Have you ever bit into some real good looking piece of food only to find out that it wasn’t cooked all the way? Shocking, huh? And sort of gross too?

Perhaps you were so eager to eat it because it looked SOOO GOOD or maybe you haven’t eaten in a long time so you were extremely famished and JUST had to get something in your mouth and belly FAST!!! You know what I mean? Either way when you saw or tasted (or felt, yuch!!!) that raw food in your mouth you suddenly realized it would’ve been a better idea to wait until it was fully cooked, right?

It occurred to me last night that relationships can be a little like that, especially for us divorced dudes. If you’ve recently divorced and are about to experience a new relationship for the first time in a long time or if it has simply been a long time since you’ve delved into the dating scene it is easy to forget to slow down and let things develop or “cook” as they should. Some of us could have a tendency to rush headlong right into another relationship that may have the same problems we experienced with the last one or even worse ones!

Now I am not saying you can not find love again. Nor am I saying you can not find “love at first sight”, I am just advising that the post-divorce phase of a man’s life is a good time to take thing’s slow relationship-wise. To be a little cautious and patience with yourself, your feelings, and any significant other you may find. Again, as we have said before here at dudesndivorce.com, use and rely on your support systems, your friends and family, those you trust, for advice at this time in your life. Hopefully these people only want the best for you. Ultimately only you, of course, can make these important decisions but they can help!

See ya later,

Russ

We’ll also be encouraging each of you to share practical, money saving, advice as well.  Nearly everyone has a trick or two up their sleeve for saving a buck here or there.  Just respond in the comments section with your tip or idea so that everyone else can benefit.  If you send in an especially good, original idea we may even contact you and ask you to elaborate a bit by doing a guest post for us.  The idea here men is to help each other out a bit as we face these tough times.  Even those of us who have been doing the post-divorce thing for a while appreciate the occasional tip in this area and I know there are a lot of men still very new to it or who are really struggling due to a lack of employment and/or large child support and alimony judgments.  For them every dime they can squeeze out of their income is of huge importance! If you’d like you can leave the comment directly or you can send us an e-mail at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com 

Finally; we’ll work on getting one of these up about every week although we’re going to focus more on quality than on quantity so we may have two on some weeks and none on others.  A lot of that will depend on the amount of input we get from our readers.

I’m excited about this idea and I really believe it has the potential to help all of us make it through these tough economic times in much better shape.

Be well!

Bill

 On Thursday we talked about how fear is probably the greatest hindrance to making needed changes and that the time immediately after a divorce constitutes a unique window of opportunity to reinvent yourself in many different areas of your life. So what do you do if you’ve moved well past that initial post-divorce phase and find yourself in need for some reinvention?

 First of all I think it’s good to approach this whole process as a project – something that can be broken up into concrete action steps aimed at achieving clearly defined goals.  This has the advantage of breaking the effort up into achievable steps instead of being faced with an overwhelming and monumental task.  Small victories and achievements tend to motivate you to continue working rather than giving up because the big, end goals seem so far away.

Second – before you start you’ll need to spend some time in good honest self-assessment.  What needs to change in your life? Work at getting a good overall picture in your mind of where you’d like to be eventually.  Make this achievable over all ok?  I mean I’d love to be worth a couple million, drive a Benz and vacation in the Virgin Islands . . . but I’d be happy if I could loose some weight, pay off my house and find the time to learn Greek.  Use the “Magic Wand” trick – ask yourself “If I had a magic wand what basic changes would I make in my life.”  The answers might give you some ideas about things to add to the list.  As you are working on this try to be aware of topics that you are avoiding or shying away from.  Is a fear of change possibly influencing you?  Fixing a relationship or starting a new career is tough stuff but remember that in such areas the decision to avoid change now can lead to the NEED to change later.  As I mentioned in the last post – the greatest motivation for change is pain – that can serve as a warning to the wise.

Third – organize the list from your self-assessment according to priority.  You might want to consider putting learning how to dance lower on the list than strengthening your relationship with your children . . . just a thought.

 Fourth – so you have your list of what you want to change and it’s in order of priority.  Next step is to create concrete goals – for example “within six months I’m going to be eating healthier and will have lost 20 pounds.”  Or “within six months my son and I will be having fewer arguments and will be making progress on our communication”.  You’ll notice that I kept the relationship stuff process oriented rather than setting an absolute goal; relationships involve two people and are very much a work in progress therefore it’s best to reflect that in your goal.  Second you’ll see that I set a specific time limit on the goal.  It doesn’t have to be six months of course – it’s up to you and what you feel is reasonable.  But a time element acts to help you measure your progress and as each one is reached set a new goal to keep you moving in the right direction.

 Fifth – decide what steps you are going to take to meet your goals.  “I will reduce the number of times I go out to eat per week by half”  or “I’ll stop eating snacks after 7 each night” or “I’ll read a book on father/son relationships”  These are specific tasks that can be completed and will set you on the path to achieving your goal.  Each time you complete one – add another so that you maintain your progress.

 Sixth – reward yourself for even small achievements.  When you loose that 20 pounds do something fun as a celebration!  Also make the whole process fun . . . no one can stay invested in pulling teeth for long.  Set little challenges or goals, make a bet against yourself or someone else, find ways to enjoy not just the achievement but the process as well.  Also – if you are a chart person don’t forget to chart your positives!  If you keep track of your failures you will focus on those and where you focus your attention there you are.  So focus on your successes – if you keep track of every time you DIDN’T eat out you become impressed with how many times you had the will power to resist temptation.

 Finally – while most of the steps above are pretty standard self improvement stuff remember that the big picture ties back to renewing yourself, recovering from the damage done by the past and reinventing who you are.  It’s not a static one-time-only event to fix some especially serious problem but instead is a process within a process – the larger process of building a habit of continual self renewal.  Remember the analogy of the puzzle or the Formula of Self? (last Saturday’s post)  The idea that a bad “piece” taints the puzzle or a negative “variable” taints the formula applies in reverse as well . . . a particularly good piece or variable can improve the overall end product. 

 Hope this was helpful; I’m going to try to have a review of a good self-help book regarding these same issues up soon as a further help to each of you who would like to take this process forward in your own life.

 Until then – Be Well!!

 Bill

As we discussed in Saturday’s post; just like many pieces make up a whole jigsaw puzzle, so we are each comprised of many different pieces that make up our whole person. A divorce is essentially the removal of one of those pieces from your life which is never an easy thing.  We also talked about how an unhealthy marriage relationship can basically taint many of the other pieces of our life such as our relationships with our children and that after the divorce it is necessary to take steps to renew those other pieces and rid them of the negative effects of that unhealthy marriage.

I think we all agree that recovery and renewal are good things, even necessary things . . . but why then is it that we’re so often hesitant to take steps in that direction?  I’d say probably the biggest cause is a fear of change.  There are plenty of reasons why we distrust and avoid change but probably one of the biggest has to do with a sense of safety.

We tend to feel more secure dealing with a known quality than stepping out into new territory.  Let’s look at relationships for example; imagine you are in a relationship with someone in which there is a pattern or a custom so to speak of always avoiding direct confrontation.  Whenever there is a problem the two of you dance around it, ignore it and avoid resolving it.  Obviously that’s a relationship in need of some healthy change; yet you’ll find that most people in that situation will avoid making the needed changes for years and years until things get so bad that it becomes a crisis.  As a very wise man told me years ago – “the greatest motivation for change is pain.” (now THAT’S a T-SHIRT!!) Why is that?  Why all the hesitation and avoidance to resolve what is probably not an insurmountable problem?  Well – we know the rules!  We know how to act, what to expect, what to do in that relationship when there is conflict – it may not work great but it is comfortable.  If we take steps to make a change . . . well ANYTHING could happen!!  We don’t know what the new rules will be, how the other person will react, what to expect . . . and that isn’t very comfortable now is it?

The relationship above is just one example of how we dislike the threat of change to our safety and security (and comfort) and therefore try to avoid it until things get so bad that we can’t do otherwise.  As a result we also loose out on the opportunity to renew our lives and our relationships into something much healthier.  When you are coming out of a divorce you are in a unique time of opportunity in your life.  You’ve faced your fear of change and already made a big adjustment that has had a trickle down effect on many, many other areas of your life.  You’ve essentially reinvented yourself almost by default!  The opportunity then is right there in front of you to continue to conquer that fear of change, to keep up that inertia of reinvention.  Take the time to examine closely each facet of your life, each piece of your self-puzzle and identify what needs a dose of healthy change.  Are there some old patterns in your relationships with your kids that need changing?  Are you happy in your career?  Want to go back to school?  Learn a new skill?  Take up a new hobby?  NOW is the time to reinvent and renew yourself! 

What if it’s been several years since your divorce and you never really made those changes at that time . . .maybe you find yourself back in a comfortable if not entirely healthy and satisfying rut?  Well – good question!  Let’s discuss that on Saturday in my next post.  As always – until that time if you’ve any thoughts, contributions to the discussion at hand or questions . . . please feel more than free to leave a comment or send me an e-mail at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com  Would love to hear some feedback from everyone!!

Until then – Be Well!!

Bill

I wrote a half-serious post a while back about the fearsome “Divorceoraptor” alluding to those individuals who get so wrapped up in their anger and bitterness towards their divorce and their ex-spouse that basically those things become the center of their lives and very miserable and un-happy lives they are at that!  I’m a big believer in the adage that where you focus your attention there is where you are.  If you focus on past hurts then in a way they never make it to your past – they never go away – they are always your PRESENT hurts because you are PRESENTLY focused on them.  Makes sense doesn’t it?  I think the key is to forgive; to let it go; to move on with your life.  Otherwise why bother getting the divorce at all?  Seems to me that if you and your wife are always hurting each other to the point that life is a very unhappy and painful thing for both of you – and you get divorced because of that and then spend the next 20 or 30 years rehearsing those past hurts, nursing those old wounds and never letting go of your anger towards your now ex wife . . . well what really has changed?  She is still hurting you and the marriage is still hurting you even though both have been gone for years! 

A much healthier way of getting on with your life, post divorce, is to do just that . . . get on with it!  It does take time to recover, forgive and move on but the direction should be towards each day or month or year feeling less hurt from the past.  In a really bad marriage (the only kind that should end in divorce by the way) your life basically stops; your growth as a person is stunted and hindered by the unhealthy and toxic environment that you are living in.  When that marriage ends, the toxic environment should also end (if you allow it to per what I wrote above) and you can begin to resume healthy growth.  From what I’ve observed the men who do best after their divorces are those who become very focused on renewal.  Renewal of their relationships with their children, family and friends; renewal of their goals and hopes and dreams; renewal of their careers, hobbies and education.  In short they focus their energy on reinventing and improving their whole lives.  It’s part recovery, part healing and part picking up their lives and setting a course for where they want to be as a whole person.

I’ll pick up this theme of renewal in my next post but until then I suggest pondering some of these points and considering how this applies to your own situation.

Until then – Be Well!

Bill

First we have what I like to call the “Hoes-R-Us” sites . . . these are pretty blatantly just about finding a one night stand.  Not a lot of screening in most of these and not much in the way of determining if the two of you are deeply compatible emotionally and psychologically . . . pretty much just a matter of mutual convenience.  Personally these really aren’t my style . . . I’m just sayin’ that there would seem to be some sanitation issues involved that I’d really rather avoid entirely.

Second is the Run-of-the-mill sites; no real emphasis on matching and sort of a crap-shoot insofar as meeting anyone.  You end up talking to a LOT of women before you run across one who you can click with.  I have met a few nice ladies on these sites.  Biggest drawback is normally one of distance.  Sure she’s nice and all but she lives four states away!  Hmmm.  You also meet some Stealth-Hoes on these sites.  They seem all nice and lady-like and stuff but then about the third or fourth message or the first phone call and they are suddenly talking like a 1-900 number (or so I would imagine!).   But Stealth-Hoes and distance issues aside you CAN meet someone nice on one of these sites . . . it’s just a volume game.

The final type of site that I’ve run across is the high-dollar, compatibility-is-our-middle-name variety.  The cost is normally a bit more but I see that as an advantage as it tends to weed out those who aren’t seriously looking and not just acting “on a whim and a hormone”.  The compatibility stuff is nice as well since it takes a lot of the guessing game out of it.  I belonged to one such site that is considered one of the top compatibility sites on the web (yes- the one you are probably thinking of) and I have to say that I felt the experience was a positive one.  Nearly everyone I met on that site seemed fairly normal and relatively healthy emotionally.  I made several friends (non-romantic) and actually did meet a lady to whom I was engaged for a while.  Things didn’t work out between us but I don’t blame the site for that.

As in everything else it’s all about what you want to get out of it.  Personally, for me, the higher cost of the compatibility site was well worth the money and I would probably use it again.  What’s your experience been like?  I’d be interested in hearing if anyone has found a site that seems really excellent . . . or conversely . . . one that is especially not so excellent.

Until next time (Tuesday)

Be Well

Bill

-  Posture; try to have an open posture towards them; in other words if you are seated try to be facing them fully, don’t cross your arms or legs and try to lean towards them slightly.  This communicates openness and that they have your full attention, that you consider what they are saying to be important.  

 -  Eye Contact; when discussing difficult emotions it can be very tempting to avoid eye contact and while a steady gaze can seem like a challenge it is important to make direct eye contact when an especially important point is being made by either party.  Once again this says that you are listening, that you aren’t hiding anything and that they have your full attention. 

-  Verbal Feedback; this is simply telling them what you hear them saying without adding your own opinion or feelings about the matter.  “it hurts you to see your mother and I separated” not “you may not like that we’ve separated but if your mother hadn’t . . .” This is about THEM not you.  It takes a bit of practice but verbal feedback is important in letting them know that you have heard what they are saying and it gives them a chance to correct any misunderstandings you may have about what they are trying to communicate.

 -  Avoid being defensive; they may not see things like you would like or even the way you feel things happened; but it is vital to your relationship that they know that they can share their perspectives with you.  Jumping to the defensive tends to cause the other person to do the same thing and then little can be accomplished. 

-  Don’t be afraid to suggest a break.  If things start to get too heated simply acknowledge that fact and suggest taking a break.  A verbal fight does nothing productive, resolves no issues and tends to create new ones.  Don’t allow things to get to that point.  It’s okay to say – “hey I think this is getting a bit too heated – I really want us to discuss this but I don’t want it to turn into an argument . . . let’s take a break, cool off and pick it up again in a bit.”   If you do that though make SURE that you DO return to the discussion! (even if it’s a day or two later).

 - Finally NEVER attack them through accusations or belittle their point of view.  They may say some things that are absolutely untrue and hurt like hell – but just suck it up buttercup and don’t give anything back.  You can be honest with them that their accusations hurt you or that you disagree with the facts.  But don’t accuse them – even obliquely of lying, being “stupid”, or of taking sides against you.  Attacks instantly destroy the trust you are trying to build and inspire return fire.  Better to just walk away than give in to the temptation. 

These are just a few of the communication tools that you might find helpful; if you feel that communication is a potential “growth area” for you then you might give some thought to talking with a counselor; not because you need “mental” help but because counselors are highly trained in communication skills and can give you some very helpful feedback and suggestions.  Otherwise just remember that communication, just like every other aspect of your relationship with your adult children, is a process.  You won’t get it perfect the first time or the hundred and first time but by being aware of each step along the way the end result is more likely to be improved.

 Hope this has been helpful 

Bill

 Like I mentioned above, these issues are true no matter what the age of the child but they can be especially applicable when the children are adults themselves.  Why?  Well for a variety of reasons.  For one, young adults in their late teens and twenties don’t have the life experience to draw on that helps us as older adults deal with trauma in our lives.  In these age groups young people are just naturally a bit more ego-centric and crises tend to take on monumental proportions simply because it is happening for the first time TO THEM.  Directly related to this is their inability sometimes to perceive their parents as fully real people with their own needs, wants and foibles.  Having these very human qualities brought to their attention in the framework of a divorce can be extremely difficult.

 Young People also tend to be a bit more concrete in their thinking; they don’t deal well with some of the abstractions and subtleties that are often involved in a divorce.  This causes them to sometimes assign blame in a very black and white manner or attempt to hold one or both parents to an impossibly high moral standard of conduct. 

 Finally individuals in their teens and twenties tend to be fairly impressionable and easily swayed by emotional appeals.  This, of course, places advantage with your ex-wife.  Speaking in general terms men tend to keep things to themselves a bit more than women and when they do share it’s more a relating of the facts than sharing our personal feelings.  Thus while a man might explain a divorce as being due to financial disagreements the woman is talking about having her heart broken or feeling abandoned; guess who is going to be labeled the “bad guy”.

 Being aware of these facets to a young adult’s make up won’t make their behaviors any less painful but it might make it a bit more understandable.  Given time and the benefit of the maturity that, hopefully, comes with age your children may eventually reach a more complete understanding of the circumstances leading up to and following your divorce.

How to relate to them until that point will be the subject of my next post on Tuesday.

Bill

 -           Go back to school; shortly after my last divorce I had a chance to return to school and complete my Masters degree.  Previously this avenue had been closed to me because of a variety of reasons stemming from my marriage.  After a divorce is sometimes a good time to think about returning to the ivory halls of academia; more free time, fewer distractions and outside commitments and while money can be tight a single man can live on much less that a family (provided you don’t have custody of your children).

 -           Pick back up an old hobby or develop a new one.  Often times we drift away from our interests because of the daily pressures of life and family.  Post-divorce sometimes finds a guy with fewer of these pressures and more spare time on his hands.  It’s also worth noting that many hobbies can be gotten into with a minimum of expense.  Camping, fishing, hunting, theater, gardening, bowling, collecting, music . . . the list is endless.  An added benefit I’ve discovered is the wonderful escape from the stresses of divorce that a hobby can provide.  Personally I love to cast a line in a local lake, enjoy the peace and quite of the outdoors and concentrate on something OTHER than the latest drama from the Ex for a while.

 -           Related to the hobby thing above is the idea of picking up a field of study.  Maybe you want to learn a new language (Russ is teaching himself Mandarin Chinese!) or learn about fine wines or Native American history or learn guitar whatever field is of interest; doesn’t have to involve formal classes. 

 -           Travel; now if you can afford to travel overseas then great but you know there is an awful lot to be said for a weekend road trip.  Throw a overnight bag in the backseat and hit the road for a destination you’ve been wanting to visit or just to see where the road takes you.  This is both relaxing and fun and not too terribly expensive.  (It’s also a great activity to do with your kids BTW).

 -  Volunteering; have a favorite charity that you’ve always wanted to support more actively?  Here’s your chance!  Wither it’s helping build a house for Habitat for Humanity or manning the phones for Jerry’s Kid’s chances are they will be delighted to have someone willing to lend a hand. 

 These are just a few examples to get you thinking but there are many more.  I believe that for me it was very beneficial to work on developing new interests and learn new things.  Helped me to work through the stresses of post divorce life and to put a more positive spin on the reality of my situation.

 Bill

Ever thought about petting a porcupine?  Probably not for all of the obvious reasons!  Who wants a handful of quills right!?  But actually if you can get the porcupine to relax and lower his quills then you could, in theory, pet him fairly easily without getting stuck.  The trick is all in getting him to lower his defenses . . . and that requires winning his trust.

People are a lot like porcupines.  If they don’t trust you they put up their defenses and won’t let you near them without sticking you.  Divorces tend to create a lot of dis-trust and defensiveness . . . suddenly it’s like you’re in a herd of frightened porcupines; everyone has their quills up in self-defense and no matter how much they may WANT to get close the proposition is just too dang painful!!  They stick you and you stick them and everyone is miserable.

As the old farmer said – “when you find yourself at the bottom of a hole the first thing to do is stop digging.”  I guess that’s advice that applies to many divorced men and our relationships with our ex-wives.   If we want a more peaceful relationship we have to stop sticking them every time we’re in the same room, start laying our own quills down and despite the temptation, control the urge to react defensively when they stick us.  With time and effort things can improve if both parties are willing.  You may never get to the point that you want to cuddle them . . . but maybe you can at least “pet the porcupine” without being turned into a pin cushion.

Anyway – it’s a fun way to think about it.

Bill