Of course every family is different; some are very supportive while others tend to be more judgmental or distant; also individual members differ in how they view divorce in general and your decision in particular.  But there are some patterns that I’ve noticed tend to come up pretty regularly and those are what I’d like to focus on here.

The first pattern is one of defensiveness not necessarily against you but against the threat that the reality of your decision poses to their convictions and world views.  While divorce does not carry with it the taboos that it once did in our culture there are still many people who disapprove of it in any but the worst circumstances.  Of course only you can say to what degree this applies to you but for some family members your divorce may present them with a real problem.  Why?  Because it moves the whole debate from the abstract into the personal.  While they may disagree with divorce in principle – they can’t help but see the positive effects doing so is having on your life.  It’s easy to get angry or to resent the struggle these family members are having with your personal decision.  But my suggestion is to just not challenge the matter head on.  Give them time to adjust.  It may turn out that your divorce will be something that they eventually accept or it may be that you’ll just have to learn to avoid the topic with them.  Either way the relationship will probably change somewhat.

The second pattern is also one of defensiveness but rather than centering around an abstract belief it strikes much closer to home for the other party; it basically revolves around a perceived threat to their own marriage.  I really think that for some people divorce must seem like a horrible and contagious disease that can be spread from one person to another.  There is often a tendency to shun someone as soon as they’ve announced that they’re getting a divorce.  I think this is especially true towards men – women I think tend to be more supportive of a fellow woman who is divorcing while men going through the same thing are to be avoided lest they encourage other men to do the same.  Within a family this can be seen as other members of the family who are perhaps dealing with some marital problems as well attempt to put distance between them and you.  Again this can be very difficult to deal with – we naturally want the support of our family and feeling that we’re being shunned can be incredibly discouraging and frustrating.  All I can suggest is to know that it’s a reality of human nature and try to focus on the family relationships that are stronger rather than attempting to force those who seem to need some distance.

A third, common, pattern in the reactions of families towards divorce is a tendency to take sides.  Seems to happen very frequently that as soon as the divorce is announced that family members begin to take positions on the matter.  That’s a normal human reaction of course and should be expected; but, unfortunately, our family does not always take our side on the matter.  You can expect that some of your family may feel that your ex-wife is being treated unfairly or that your mistakes in the marriage are largely to blame.  A lack of information in these matters rarely stops people from forming opinions or feeling that they are experts.  How you handle this depends largely on the culture of your family (not their ethnic culture but simply the habits or “way” your family deals with conflict).  Sitting everyone down and explaining very clearly why the divorce is happening may help but it could turn out that you just have to accept the fact that for now they aren’t going to be on your side and put some safe emotional distance between you and them.

Contrarily; there is also a pattern to react almost to the opposite extreme and take such a vitriolic and negative attitude against your ex that it can cause problems for your children.  It’s hard sometimes for family to remember that even through your ex-wife may have treated you very poorly that she is still the mother of your children and that they love her.  Hearing disparaging comments about their mother from aunts, uncles and grandparents not only hurts and confuses your children – it can make the whole divorce process even harder for them.  I will say that this is even true of second marriages in which it is the step-mother whom you are divorcing.  While the relationship between children and step-parents can be difficult there is still, very often, a connection that develops there and the negative attitude of extended family towards her needs to be tempered around the kids.  Sometimes the only way to deal with this is a direct, head-on, approach in which you explain how these comments should NOT be shared with your children.  Sometimes people act without thinking and just need to have things spelled out.

Finally, you may notice an element of sympathy creep into your relationships with family members.  This can be expressed in treating you with kid gloves, a hesitation to talk about the ex or the marriage (even in past tense), or bringing over lots of meals or offering to help with housework.  Of course this is often just the great and good support that families provide each other in tough times and shouldn’t be seen as a problem.  But it can also be taken to extremes or begin to put you into a role as somehow extra fragile or needy.  My advice is to accept their care-giving but look for ways to return the favor.  If your sister offers to help you with some housework – fine, but then offer to change her oil or do some yard work in return (for example).  If you notice that hesitation to discuss the past with your ex then occasionally bring it up yourself in conversation – if they see that you are comfortable with it then they will be as well.

In short – with all of these responses and reactions by family the underlying principle often at work is a lack of understanding – remember that divorce – especially YOUR divorce is often a new experience for them and they are fumbling their way through it just like you probably are.  Open, honest communication, patience and time are the best way to deal with these things as well as an occasional dose of maintaining healthy boundaries.

Hope this helps!

Be well

Bill

To start off I can’t emphasize enough how important to a divorced dude true friends are.  Family is great, kids are great, girl-friends are great all in their respective ways – but a small handful of close friends are really invaluable.  This constitutes one of those relative changes; while friends are of middle importance to a married man they are of MUCH greater import to a divorced one.  Why? because they provide a sense of normalcy, perspective, support and stress relief; let’s look at those individually:

Normalcy:   After a divorce your life makes some big changes.  You are no longer a married man and you find your place and role in the world deeply different than it was just a few short months before.  It’s easy to feel a little isolated and to wonder if the things you’re feeling and the challenges you’re facing are normal.  That’s where and when a few friends who are also divorced can really be a god-send!  I recall when I first went through a divorce and became a single parent that I had the very good fortune of making a few friends who were also divorced, single parents.  Can’t tell you how many times they helped me realize that they had also been though the same things I was facing and that I could make it through just like they had.  This is part of the reason Russ and I started dudesndivorce.com  – to help men feel a little less isolated out there in divorce-land.   This is critical for divorced men and something that can be best provided by a few close friends; especially male friends.  Guys have a way of telling it to you straight and letting you know when you’re drifting off base.

Perspective:  As many of you are only too aware the process of a divorce and the difficulties of dealing with your ex afterwards can become darn near all-consuming.  Eventually things settle down but for the first couple years life seems to center around custody, court, child support/alimony and negotiating visitation.  It’s really hard to keep your sense of perspective through all of that!  Seems as if your world is revolving around every phone conversation, every contact and every payment.  You can find yourself constantly looking for hidden meanings and suspecting hidden motives behind everything your ex-spouse says and does.  During that time it’s great to have a friend who’s been through that already and who can listen while you vent your frustrations and maybe help you take a step back now and then to take a broader view of the situation.  In fact, that function of friendship doesn’t cease being important after the initial phase passes on – I think it remains important throughout your life.  I’ve been divorced a long time now but every now and then Russ says something that helps me see that I’ve lost some perspective along the way.  When you are married your spouse normally provides that outside perspective and balancing function – but once divorced we have to depend a bit more on others in our life and a good friend is a pretty decent stand-in – at least in this regard.

Support:  You know support is one of those things that some men won’t admit a need for beyond a jock strap.  Something about the male persona causes many of us to deny the need for an outside source of emotional energy and support.  Not sure why that is but it is true none-the-less.  Now I don’t suggest that we all need a friend to hold our hand or carry us through every crisis.  But I will maintain that even the strongest amongst us need to have someone they can turn to now and then for some encouragement and a listening ear.  Divorce is HARD! It’ll suck every ounce of emotional energy out of you in no time flat.  You often feel like there’s no way to win, that you are being put through an industrial strength wood chipper and that all your options are shot.  Ex-wives know all of our emotional buttons and delight in pushing them repeatedly; finances are shot ta heck, kids are acting up or telling you they hate you . . . yeah . . . FUN TIMES!!!  When life gets that crazy there is just no way that any human being can go it alone for long without going bonkers or turning to a friend.  Even if it’s just getting together for dinner and a game or two of bowling or to watch a game – having the company of someone who isn’t piling more stress on you and who might actually be interested in hearing you unload some of your own is priceless.  That’s not something that only applies during the time immediately before and after a divorce.  The need for the support of a friend remains important long after the ink is dry on the divorce decree.

Stress Relief:  One of the things I always know I can count on from Russ is that he and I can get each other laughing in all but the absolutely worse times.  Can’t tell you how often I’ve called him up when I was in the middle of a crisis and before the call was done we were cracking each other up.  We can also have a great conversation about movies, football, food, politics and just the crazy day to day stuff that happens to us all.  Maybe that doesn’t sound like much but believe me it is one of the things I value most about my friendship with Russ.  Divorce in particular and life in general can really build up the stress levels till you think you’re going to scream!  Be it some idiot at work, problems with the car or a huge and unexpected bill – there’s always something putting on the pressure.  That’s why I value the resource I have in a great friend like Russ – someone I can call up and tell about the moron at the office and who will empathize with his signature statement “some people’s children!”  Now I agree that it takes time to build and develop a friendship like that – Russ and I have been working on it for over 30 years now!  But even a fairly new friend is usually good for sharing some laughs with and that is a very important (and often under appreciated) contribution that friends can make to our lives.

Having said all this great stuff about friendships I can imagine that there are some men out there who find themselves currently without any close friends.  It’s not unusual for men to focus so much energy on work and family that they never take the time to develop outside friendships; so when a divorce happens they are pretty much left isolated.  Well gentlemen – it’s never too late to start!  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts it’s a good idea after a divorce to get involved in some social activities; church, clubs, civic organizations . . . not only are they great ways to start rebuilding your life they are rich sources of potential friends as well.  Start attending and don’t be afraid to take the initiative to start a conversation.  That’s how most friendships start.

Next post we’ll focus on the relationships we have with our children and how those change with a divorce and how to make that change easier and healthier for everyone.

Until then – Be Well!

Bill

That being established I’ve noticed a tendency of people coming out of a divorce to believe in what I will call the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.  Basically this belief is that once one gets a divorce all of his/her relationship problems are somehow resolved and future relationships are fulfilling, stable and wonderful.

I’ve mentioned a time or two on this blog that often the laws of physics have their parallels in the emotional/psychological/spiritual as well and this is a perfect example of that truth.  You can not have a result (i.e. a great relationship) with out work/effort (i.e. learning and doing what makes a relationship work).  Relationships – by their very nature – take two and while you can have one partner who is short-changing the relationship or engaging in relationship destroying behaviors more than the other it’s still true that we all have lessons to learn in this regard. 

Think of it this way – if you want to have a houseplant that is lush and green and healthy you have to learn what the plant needs and discipline yourself to consistently provide it with those requirements.  To the degree you fail to do those things the plant will suffer and in extreme cases it may die.  Well if the plant dies and you get rid of it and buy another don’t the same principles still apply?  Don’t you STILL need to learn what the plant needs and still endeavor to provide those things?  The basic laws of plant physiology don’t suddenly somehow change just because you have a new plant.

Yet, somehow, many divorced dudes come to believe something similar when the get a divorce.  They probably don’t think it through really but never the less they seem to assume that since they got rid of the “dead” relationship of their marriage that their next one will somehow be much different, much healthier even if they don’t bother to learn or change or do anything different.  In essence they believe in magic; that they will be able to reap results without putting in effort.  In short they believe in the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.

Truth be told I really wish such a thing existed!  How great would that be eh?  Just wave a wand and “abbacadabra!!” poof! All your relational woes are gone.  Be a great thing if it were so – but, unfortunately, it isn’t and thus we have to put in the hard work and effort to learn how to conduct a healthy relationship and apply ourselves to putting those lessons into practice.  Yeah it’s not real easy but it DOES reap some pretty amazing rewards over time.

Hope this was helpful and as always . . .

Be Well!

Bill

Communication is about getting to understanding.  Not just saying what you think but saying it in such a way that the other person can actually hear and understand your message.  It’s also about listening, really listening, to what the other person is really saying.  So many times we talk AT each other and only hear what we think the other is saying.  Notice the pattern there?  Poor communication is when we think more about ourselves than we think about the other person.  Effective communication on the other hand happens when you remember to forget about yourself and focus completely on the other person.  That’s a difficult skill to learn.  Also notice that we aren’t talking about agree or disagree here.  A person can fully hear and understand you but still disagree with you!  So effective communication isn’t about reaching agreement – it’s about reaching understanding.  Easy to get those confused.

 So what’s going on in your marriage?  Do you and your wife talk AT each other?  Do you feel like she never really hears or understands what it is you’re trying to tell her?  Does she complain that the two of you don’t really talk?  Are you sometimes surprised by her reaction when you’ve done something you thought she agreed with?  Is there a lot of “surface” talk (weather, what’s for dinner, what’s on T.V.) but not much meaningful sharing on important issues?  These are all symptoms of communication problems in your marriage.

 The good news is that poor communication isn’t an incurable disease.  You can learn and develop better communication skills over time and an ounce of effort usually reaps a pound of improvement.  There are a lot of good books on the subject and most counselors are well trained in communication skills and can be a great help.  Just be willing to take the time to practice and learn.  Bad news is that sometimes, in some relationships, so much anger and bitterness and animosity has built up that it creates a real block to developing good communication skills.  Also, some people feel that the idea of “learning to communicate” is a load of psychobabble horse stuffins and so they automatically discount any efforts at improvement here.

As with all the other posts in this series this one isn’t meant to tell you what decision to make regarding your marriage.  Instead it’s just meant to provide some thoughts to think as you weigh those matters in your mind; I hope that it helps in that regard.

 Be well

Bill

But how do you know when that time has come?  That truly is the nexus of the problem!  Having been there myself and having heard many other men wrestle with the same question I know very well how torturous it can be.  If you leave are you leaving too soon?  Is there still maybe some hope for the relationship?  Are you leaving for the right reasons?  Do those reasons justify the impact this will have on the children?  If you stay can you live with things if they don’t change?  What will the home life be like and what will that do to yourself and the children.  On and on and round and round the questions go with no resolution in sight.

Of course there is no way for someone outside of the marriage to answer those questions definitively for you.  While there is never a shortage of “friends” or family who will eagerly counsel you to leave they are really doing you a disservice since they won’t suffer any of the consequences of leaving and can’t really know all the factors to be considered the way that you do.  Contrarily there are also usually a few people who will tell you to “stick with it” no matter what – again this isn’t always the best advice since it’s frequently based more on ideology that on an accurate assessment of the costs of leaving vs. staying (emotional, financial, physical). 

While sources of balanced and helpful advice may be few and far between there are, I believe, some general principles that can serve you well in making a choice about when to leave and when to stay.  I’d like to briefly introduce each of these and then we can discuss them in greater length in following posts.

1.  Commitment – What is the commitment level?  Obviously since you’re thinking about leaving there are some problems in this department – how pervasive are they?  It’s normal and natural to entertain doubts about any relationship as your level of commitment to your partner ebbs and wanes over time. Relationships go through periods of boredom and the spark can seem to go out as the daily grind extinguishes meaningful communication – is that what is happening?  Or is it something much deeper?  Is there an active disregard for one another’s needs or just a passive one?  If you’ve gotten too lazy to serve one another then it’s probably fixable – but if you are both actively doing things that intentionally disregard the good of the other . . . well then the problem is much deeper.  Not unfixable – but much harder to do so.

2.  Trust – Without trust a marriage can not survive long.  This is why affairs are so deadly – they undermine the most basic level of trust between husband and wife.  Of course infidelity is not the only source of distrust.  A couple can be completely faithful to one another and yet still have issues in this area.  Reckless spending, undependability and lying are all trust destroyers.  How long has the trust been an issue?  The longer the pattern of behavior the harder it is to change and the more difficult to rebuild trust.

3.  Respect – Spouses should seek to build up and encourage their mate, not pull them down.  They should also not take each other for granted and expect a one way street in terms of meeting each others needs.  This is often a common problem when the wife is a stay at home mom who cooks and cleans and cares for children while the husband earns the daily bread out in the workforce.  Quite often we men tend to take the situation for granted and just expect a clean house and a hot meal . . . without thinking too much about our wife’s needs.  Of course that shoe fits either foot and women sometimes expect a lot from their husbands without much consideration.  While it’s easy to slip into with the daily grind a lack of respect for the contributions of each other can quickly undermine the satisfaction either spouse derives from the marriage – and that introduces a multitude of potential problems.

4.  Communication – Okay, for clarifications sake let me just say right here and now that “pass the salt” does not qualify as “communication”.   Communication involves actively seeking to gain a deeper understanding of the other person and their thoughts, beliefs, feelings and desires.  It’s not a debate, it’s not a fencing match and it doesn’t always involve you doing all the talking.  Communication isn’t something that comes naturally, believe it or not, and takes practice to learn how to do effectively.  If communication in your marriage is limited to long monologues by one person interspersed by a few grunts of acknowledgement by the other – or by lots of fighting – then you’ve got a problem.  If you can’t communicate then preserving the relationship is going to be hard – but if you CAN learn to communicate then any problem is instantly 5 giant steps closer to a resolution.

5.  Safety – Sometimes a relationship can become so toxic that it becomes literally dangerous to stay in it.  Most commonly this is a product of substance abuse, domestic violence and/or mental health issues.  If you find yourself in a situation in which either you or your children are in danger of physical or significant emotional harm then you need to get out – you don’t have to divorce but you need to put yourself and them out of immediate danger.

Those five general principles are a good starting point as you weigh your options and consider which road to take.  They can’t predict the future but they do help you gauge the possibility of restoring the relationship.  Not a simple answer but no simple answer is going to be worth much at this point.  If you are considering a divorce or separation then things have already become much too complicated for a simple solution.

My next post will concentrate on looking a bit more deeply into the idea of comitment.

Until then – Be Well!!

Bill

I know this post’s heading is somewhat late considering Halloween is past us already (sorry, I’ve been swamped lately) but nevertheless the day caused me to think regarding our mutual topic.

Zombie

Zombie movies have experienced a resurgence in popularity recently and it got me to thinking (don’t you just hate when that happens?) how so many men (I could say people in general but our focus is on you guys) become zombies in their marriages.

For whatever the reason, perhaps due to stress or difficulties in the marriage or with the children or on the job or with finances (the “reasons” could be endless, it really doesn’t matter) many of us elect to retreat from our wives and children. Oh, it may start small and seemingly innocuous, “I’m just going down to the bar to have a beer with my friends.” or “I really need to do some work in the garage.” to “I’m going over to Al’s to watch the game.” But they grow or repeat until we end up spending more and more time doing these activities then we do spending time with our wife and children.

It is so EASY to retreat from a difficult situation. And it is often easy to deceive yourself about your real motivations about what your doing, “I’m not running away from the problem, I’m just going to work on the car. It really needs a windshield washer fluid changed right now.” Or “Hey, it’s not going anywhere. So what if I spend the weekend with my pals tailgating and no time at home?”

DON’T!!! JUST DON’T!!! DON’T RETREAT, MAKE YOURSELF ENGAGE WITH YOUR WIFE AND WITH YOUR FAMILY!!! Spend time building those relationships and those memories. When the end of life comes near few of us will fondly look back and remember all the carburetors we fixed or games we watched but, hopefully, we will be able to look back and happily remember the times we had with those we hold dear because we chose not to retreat to the garage or the bathroom or our buddies house.

Just a thought,

Russ

Let’s look at that argument.  Yes, it’s true that you don’t have much control over your wife’s actions should she choose to leave you and I agree that it is going to hurt . . . a lot.  But that’s as far as the laws of physics and human behavior can take us against our will.  Because the RESPONSE to those events are up to us and the attitude we choose to employ. 

As men dealing with divorce we are often faced with decisions made by others that have a negative impact on us and over which we have little control.  A large alimony or child support judgment is going to impact our pocket book; your ex-wife being uncooperative with allowing you to visit your children is going to impact your relationship with them.  Not much you can do to change those decisions or their immediate impact on you.  But how you RESPOND is a whole other matter that CAN effect how situations develop. 

For instance, let’s look at the child support judgment.   Basically there are two choices in how to respond; either you can take the attitude that it’s an unfair, unjust and impossible judgment that amounts to little more than robbery.  Or you can choose the attitude that it is money going to the support of your children and that while it is painful it is none-the-less needful.  The attitude you choose there is going to determine how you behave.  If you take the first, negative, attitude then you behavior will reflect that negativity.  Probably that’s going to be translated by your ex, your children and the court as a lack of concern for the well being of the children.  It might also cause you to feel justified in not paying the support (which can cause a lot of legal problems) or constantly fighting payment.  It can also lead to a lot of bitterness in your heart which can bleed over into other areas of your life.

On the other hand if you choose an attitude of acceptance then your behaviors are going to reflect that.  It will send a much more supportive and accepting message to your children and it won’t create a climate of enmity between you and your ex-wife.  While it may make finances rough to the point that you have to look for a second job – it’s much easier to work extra for what you have determined is a worthy cause (supporting your kids) than for an unworthy one (being bled white by that B*****h!).   You avoid the anger and bitterness that can poison your soul and remain more flexible in your thinking.

Of course child Support payments are just one of many, many events which can happen to a divorced man but the same general rule applies – WHAT happens may be beyond your control but how you RESPOND is completely up to you.  From having gone through two divorces I can tell you from personal experience that getting into the habit of choosing the positive attitude is critical to your survival.  Looking back I can see that every time I’ve chosen to be angry and bitter it cost me dearly in the long run (although being an angry victim is MUCH more satisfying in the short term!).  While whenever I’ve taken on a positive attitude I’ve found that things just tend to work themselves out much better for all concerned (including me).

Hope that gives everyone some food for thought

Until next time . . . Be Well!

Bill

But then along about the third inning things began to change; the boys from St. Louie were having problems bringing in the runs and the Dodgers were starting to put on a substantial lead.  It seemed as if we just couldn’t catch a break!  You could feel the change in the crowd as well . . . little set backs began to really upset people, little errors by the players elicited huge groans and a lot of people disconnected and either left early or were more involved in their side conversations than in what was going on down in the field.

Does any of this sound vaguely familiar?  It sure did to me!  I think it is a sign that I’ve been writing these posts for a long time when it seems that EVERYTHING reminds me of some life lesson about divorce or marriage.  Call it an occupational hazard I guess.

Anyway – the parallel here is that when we first get married we are like that crowd at the very beginning of the game – enthusiastic, happy, cheering our mate on, appreciative of even the smallest thing, optimistic.

But then – a few “innings” into the “game” and we’ve had some set backs, some disappointments, this other person is not quite the all-star player that we’d hoped they would be.  So what do we do?  Well – we start letting small stuff really get to us, we over-react to minor errors and we begin to disengage.  Now in a baseball game you can do that as a fan and it won’t effect the outcome of the game.  But in a marriage we’re a player, we’re part of the team and those reactions can have a tremendous impact on the outcome of the marriage.

Now I realize that most of you reading this are divorced “dudes” and are not currently in a marriage; but chances are many of you will eventually find someone new and decide to give it another try.  Seems like a good metaphor to keep in the back of your mind whenever that day should arrive.  Pick a good team to belong to and then stay engaged and optimistic – even during those times when you seem to be striking out a lot more often than your knocking ‘em out of the park.

Hope this was helpful . . . and to all you Cards fans out there . . . there’s always next year!!

Be Well

Bill

Have you ever bit into some real good looking piece of food only to find out that it wasn’t cooked all the way? Shocking, huh? And sort of gross too?

Perhaps you were so eager to eat it because it looked SOOO GOOD or maybe you haven’t eaten in a long time so you were extremely famished and JUST had to get something in your mouth and belly FAST!!! You know what I mean? Either way when you saw or tasted (or felt, yuch!!!) that raw food in your mouth you suddenly realized it would’ve been a better idea to wait until it was fully cooked, right?

It occurred to me last night that relationships can be a little like that, especially for us divorced dudes. If you’ve recently divorced and are about to experience a new relationship for the first time in a long time or if it has simply been a long time since you’ve delved into the dating scene it is easy to forget to slow down and let things develop or “cook” as they should. Some of us could have a tendency to rush headlong right into another relationship that may have the same problems we experienced with the last one or even worse ones!

Now I am not saying you can not find love again. Nor am I saying you can not find “love at first sight”, I am just advising that the post-divorce phase of a man’s life is a good time to take thing’s slow relationship-wise. To be a little cautious and patience with yourself, your feelings, and any significant other you may find. Again, as we have said before here at dudesndivorce.com, use and rely on your support systems, your friends and family, those you trust, for advice at this time in your life. Hopefully these people only want the best for you. Ultimately only you, of course, can make these important decisions but they can help!

See ya later,

Russ

Something occurred to me this morning during my morning run that I felt somewhat relevant to many of us.

You see, this morning I felt, or rather I felt or perceived that my body felt better or more fit and even a little more loose than on a previous run. The last time I has headed out the door I felt stiff despite a good warm up.

Regardless of my “feelings” or perceptions as I watched my wristwatch my times around the track did not vary enough to make any real difference. I recalled years ago when I did run a LOT (I was fairly serious, putting in close to 40 to 50 miles in a week.) and I remembered the same phenomenon. Despite what I felt that “feeling” was rarely reflected in my time. In fact there were times when I felt like crap that I put in my best times and instances when I “felt” great and  would put in one of my worst workouts!

Perhaps you’ve noticed this too, there have been times when I dreaded to get on the scale because I just “felt” like I had put on a bunch of weight. Or the reverse, eager to get on the scale because you just “felt” like you had lost weight. All to discover neither was true! Sometimes even to your own shock and dismay the exact opposite of your “feelings” or perceptions was true!

Relationships and communication can be like that. Often it is affected by our “feelings” or perceptions of the way something was said or done that was not intended by the other person. Causing us to “feel” slighted or hurt or offended or many other possibilities when it that was not what the other person was trying to do at all. But merely the way we “perceived” or “felt” or received the message from them. Communication is much like the old say, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Often it is what we perceive that is being communicated to us (through words, vocal inflections, and body language and this can be affected by the situation) rather than what is actually being said to us.

Basically it behooves us to be aware of our own perceptions or rather mis-perceptions of others. Perhaps we are seeing attacks against us when there are none, insults when none were intended, offenses that are simply not there! These misconceptions that we may hold then direct our responses to those people and some times others too. These affect our relationships. Like the stone thrown into a pond, the ripples move outward and touch everything that connects with the pond.

Just something to think about,

Russ