dudesndivorce.com

Hello Dudes!  I know I’ve been away a little while – had some pretty heavy stuff going on in my personal life that just really took the wind out of my sails for a week or two.  I apologize for leaving you hanging.

Oddly enough the next virtue covered in The Book of Virtues is Courage; without going into details let me just say that my difficulties of late really required a dose of courage to resolve and so I find it personally fulfilling to start back in on this subject.

First I think it is needful to establish that courage is NOT an absence of fear, fear is a natural, good and very useful emotional reaction to a perceived threat.  The man who stands quietly in the path of a charging grizzly is not brave – he’s foolish (and soon to be lunch!).  No Courage is being afraid and yet acting in SPITE of that fear.  The courageous man may stand before that same bear if his children are behind him and he has to protect them, though his heart is in his throat.   Courage is a form of self-discipline by which we overcome the emotional reaction of fear and do what is right and necessary.

So how does this apply to the man faced with divorce?

If you are dealing with a divorce right now you know very well that it can generate a lot of fear.  In fact speaking for myself I think I’d almost rather face down that grizzly than have to go through another divorce!  Everything is at stake!  Your finances, your home, your friends and even your relationship with your kids!  Faced with that kind of situation it is easy to let fear dictate your actions.  Some men respond by becoming verbally or even physically violent, other’s resort to dirty legal tactics, lies or even running away to another state; and a few just cave in and don’t even try to defend themselves.

Courage however is what gives us the resolve to overcome those fears and deal with the situation in an effective, ethical and adult manner.  I’ve known men whose wives initially demanded the divorce and “promised” to take them for “everything they were worth” – it would have been very easy for them to react with a nasty counter-attack.  But instead they held to their beliefs that the marriage could be saved and that it was the best course (albeit the hardest one) to fight FOR the marriage and not AGAINST their spouse.  I’d like to tell you this was 100% effective but of course it was not – but for one guy at least it DID save his marriage and in fact he and his family are closer than they’ve ever been!   For those who ended up divorced anyway – well that would have happened even if they didn’t try to save the marriage and their efforts reflected well of them in court and to their children, so I guess it worked out for them as well in the long run. 

I think this applies to dealing with just about any divorce related situation; taking a stand based on your principles and core  beliefs is what is most important.  If you compromise those out of fear then even your wins are losses.   After all – What does it profit a man to win the whole world and yet loose his soul?  Fear will always guide you first and foremost towards self-preservation – it will impel you to run from the bear and leave your children unprotected.  Courage will empower you to act with honor and dignity and wisdom as you deal with divorce in your life; it will give you the strength to stand against the bear and defend what is most precious to you, no matter what the odds.

Hope this helps; until next time – Be Well!

Bill

Well here we are at the third in this series on the 10 virtues examined by William Bennett in his book The Book of Virtues and how those apply to the divorced man.  As the title says, the third virtue is Responsibility.  When I went to Webster for a definition I found that there were two that really seemed equally applicable.  First of all there was: “liable to be called on to answer; liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive.   As I think on it I believe this portion of the definition has two applications.  First I think it’s safe to say that no divorce is ever just one person’s fault; both parties have some degree of culpability in the demise of the marriage.  This can be a tough truth to come to terms with but it seems to be true of everyone I talk with on these matters.  So it is important for our own future emotional and relational health that we identify and accept our rightful degree of responsibility for the divorce.  That can be about as pleasant as a hernia operation but, again, if you are going to move forward in your life and avoid repeating past mistakes then it’s important to do so.  It also helps you avoid the bitterness trap that we’ve discussed earlier – it’s tough to feel victimized and bitter when you accept your own part in the way things have turned out.  Secondly understanding and accepting that you are responsible and therefore liable to be called upon to answer for your part in the marriage and the divorce is just a simple reality check.  For some reason many guys seem absolutely shocked at the idea that a divorce may actually COST them something!  But in truth it does and in fact it SHOULD.  A marriage is a commitment and a responsibility and if that comes to an end then there is a duty to meet your obligations.  NOW (I can hear the nasty comments being written even as I speak!) I will make the caveat that paying your obligations and responsibilities is one thing . . . being robbed blind is quite another.  Paying child support is meeting an important duty and responsibility to your children . . . being made destitute paying unreasonable alimony and legal fees is not. 

The second definition from Webster’s is: able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations; able to choose for oneself between right and wrong.  Here’s where we get into the whole matter concerning our children and how we conduct ourselves in regards to our parental responsibilities to them.  There is just something about a divorce that seems extremely destructive towards ALL family responsibilities and ties; because of that tendency we have to be constantly on our guard to avoid a deterioration in our relationship/s with our children as well.  I’m sure we are all familiar with the term “Deadbeat Dads” and maybe even know a guy who seems to have lost touch with his children and their lives.  Yes, a lot of it can be laid at the feet of difficult custody arrangements and ex-spouses who color the children’s view of their father’s against them.  But those are only challenges identified and in no way absolve us as father’s from living up to our responsibilities to our children.  Divorced or not we have a responsibility to provide for our children to love and nurture them and to act as an example to them of proper, adult, conduct.  The provision of course is taken care of with Child Support payments, given without complaining to the children (and thereby making them feel like an unwanted burden).  Loving and nurturing them are taken care of in visits and continued ACTIVE involvement in their lives.  An ex-spouse can try to turn your children against you with words but actions really do speak louder.  Loving your children even when they are being spiteful towards you, showing real interest in their lives, thoughts, activities and accomplishments SHOWS them the heart of a truly loving parent.  And while that may not go noticed immediately – eventually, as they mature, they’ll appreciate those things in hindsight and they will act as a seed for a renewed relationship.  Finally, providing your children with an example of proper adult conduct – both by doing the aforementioned things and by trying to live an honorable and responsible life – fulfills what is probably your greatest responsibility; the raising up of your children into responsible adults themselves.  It is always easier to find an excuse to side-step responsibility and the grass on that side of the fence always seems very lush and green.  But in the end it ruins the respect that your family, friends and children have for you and it sets an example for your children that will lead them into some very poor decision making as they grow older. 

I know that most of you know these things and I write them largely just to offer the support and encouragement that an affirmation of one’s values brings.  But I also know that there are a handful of men out there reading this post who maybe are being tempted by circumstances and peer pressure to compromise on this virtue of responsibility and attempt to side step some important obligations.  I hope that if this is the case for you that this post will give you some reason to hesitate and consider that the long term price far out-weighs the short-term profit.

Hope this helps and . . .Be Well

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

I suppose I should begin this post with a disclaimer! I am as guilty of the following as just about anybody. But, like with so many other issues of my life and character, I am trying to improve. 

As I walked to the track to start my run today I had to cross an open grassy area. Across that area was strewn many various pieces of game pieces, such as badminton rackets and birdies, volleyballs, soccer balls, etc. All scattered about as they were left the night before! Left overnight unwatched and uncared for.

As I admit, I struggle in the area of self discipline and taking proper care and responsibility of your possessions is part of that. These people that left all these pieces of sporting equipment over this field to either be ruined or stolen were not taking responsibility and care of their property. But I know and have been taught that it is the very thing to do!

We can make the things we already have last much longer if we keep them in proper order. And we will save money due to the fact that we would not need to replace the item if we leave it to be destroyed or stolen!

Take care of your stuff and save your cash!

Russ

Hello dudesndivorce.com fans!

This morning I was recalling one of my favorite football stories and realize it had great implications to our blog!

In my opinion Johnny Unitas was one of the, if not THE greatest, quarterbacks to play the game of professional football. His best years were with the then Baltimore Colts of the late 1950’s and the 1960’s. 

If your familiar with the American version of football you may understand it is probably one of the most team oriented games in the world. Thus Johnny’s success depended heavily on his teammates, particularly the offensive line that blocked for him and allowed him to do all the amazing feats he accomplished.

During one particular game Johnny called a pass play, he dropped back to pass the ball, and his offensive line fell apart, allowing the defensive players to tackle Johnny with the ball. It was a series of vicious hits by multiple players and Johnny went down hard! When the tacklers got up off of him, he just laid there in pain for several moments. His offensive line looking on, feeling terrible, they had utterly failed to protect him. Slowly, painfully Johnny got up. The Head Coach, fearing his star quarterback was seriously injured sent in the backup. When the backup arrived in the huddle, Johnny merely looked at him and said,”Get off my field!”

At this point blood was streaming from Johnny’s nose due to the ferocious tackle he had suffered. It had rained earlier, so the field was slightly muddy. Johnny reached down and scraped up some mud in his fingers and jammed it in his nose to stop the bleeding. He looked at his offensive lineman with a look of stern and fierce determination and said, “We’re going to run that play again but this time YOUR going to do YOUR job and block!” So he did, he called the exact same play.

Afterwards the offensive lineman, to a man, said there was absolutely no way they were going to let Johnny down two times in a row! So they lined up and ran the play. The result? A perfectly executed pass play that resulted in a touchdown score for the Colts!

What can we learn from this seemingly unrelated story? As those of us that have played team sports realize, each member of the team has roles to perform. The better each member performs those roles, the more efficient and successful that the team is. This applies to businesses and, yes, to relationships as well. So what was Johnny doing here? He simply and firmly held the offensive lineman accountable for their inability to fulfill their role or expectations. Thus preventing Johnny from fulfilling his. 

Occasionally in a relationship a party will let their responsibilties lapse. This causes the other member to then “pick up the slack” and carry an additional burden. Now there may be some instances where we can understand this, for example an illness, but these are typically temporary in nature. It is when it becomes a habit of one person to frequently allow the other person to shoulder their responsibilities or even shirk their own responsibilities that causes problems.  

Commonly a good response is to address the matter with them directly, calmy, but firmly. Use “I” statements rather than accusations or attacks to communicate your thoughts and feelings on the issue. For example, “I get very frustrated when I have to do all the grocery shopping.” Rather than, “Your so lazy, you won’t even pick up the groceries!” I hope you can see the that these two statements will usually illicit very different responses from your interlocuter! 

Well, I’ve rambled on enough for today,

See ya later,

Russ