That being established I’ve noticed a tendency of people coming out of a divorce to believe in what I will call the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.  Basically this belief is that once one gets a divorce all of his/her relationship problems are somehow resolved and future relationships are fulfilling, stable and wonderful.

I’ve mentioned a time or two on this blog that often the laws of physics have their parallels in the emotional/psychological/spiritual as well and this is a perfect example of that truth.  You can not have a result (i.e. a great relationship) with out work/effort (i.e. learning and doing what makes a relationship work).  Relationships – by their very nature – take two and while you can have one partner who is short-changing the relationship or engaging in relationship destroying behaviors more than the other it’s still true that we all have lessons to learn in this regard. 

Think of it this way – if you want to have a houseplant that is lush and green and healthy you have to learn what the plant needs and discipline yourself to consistently provide it with those requirements.  To the degree you fail to do those things the plant will suffer and in extreme cases it may die.  Well if the plant dies and you get rid of it and buy another don’t the same principles still apply?  Don’t you STILL need to learn what the plant needs and still endeavor to provide those things?  The basic laws of plant physiology don’t suddenly somehow change just because you have a new plant.

Yet, somehow, many divorced dudes come to believe something similar when the get a divorce.  They probably don’t think it through really but never the less they seem to assume that since they got rid of the “dead” relationship of their marriage that their next one will somehow be much different, much healthier even if they don’t bother to learn or change or do anything different.  In essence they believe in magic; that they will be able to reap results without putting in effort.  In short they believe in the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.

Truth be told I really wish such a thing existed!  How great would that be eh?  Just wave a wand and “abbacadabra!!” poof! All your relational woes are gone.  Be a great thing if it were so – but, unfortunately, it isn’t and thus we have to put in the hard work and effort to learn how to conduct a healthy relationship and apply ourselves to putting those lessons into practice.  Yeah it’s not real easy but it DOES reap some pretty amazing rewards over time.

Hope this was helpful and as always . . .

Be Well!

Bill

As we approach Thanksgiving we may notice a tradition here in the USA of the President issuing an annual traditional Presidential Pardon to a turkey for the Thanksgiving Holiday.

This just makes me think, have we done something similar? Have we taken the time to issue our own Presidential Pardon? First, what is a pardon exactly? Merriam Webster defines a pardon as; the excusing of an offense without exacting a penalty or a release from the legal penalties of an offense or an official warrant of remission of penalty. Essentially it is an act of forgiveness. An act, that is a verb, that means you DO something. Not just think about it, not just think about doing something. But actually DO something, in this case forgive, in this case pardon.

What do we have to pardon? Do we have to pardon a turkey like the President? Perhaps not, but each of us as divorced (or potentially divorced) men have been through a painful period in our lives. We may feel we have been wronged by our ex, by the courts, by lawyers, by family members or friends.

Carrying this “wrong” in our hearts is like carrying a weight with you everywhere everyday. It wears you down and exhausts you, it drains your energy away from the things you could be doing, things you would rather be doing or perhaps should be doing. And, perhaps most of all, it does no harm to the person(s) to whom you hold this “wrong” against, it only harms you!

Issue a pardon, forgive them of this slight, this wrong. Let it go. Free yourself of this bitterness and anger.

And move on to bigger and better things.

Then you can truly give thanks for all your many blessings.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Russ

Last night I got together with one of my pals from work whom I haven’t been able to see in quite some time.  As the evening and the conversation wore on eventually we reached a point or topic in which I made a comment, my intent being to enlighten my friend on a particular subject. He, being a good friend, received it well, but (also because he was a good friend) choose to take that moment to enlighten me on how I spoke or rather presented my idea to him. He said, even though he knew it was not my intent, that I have a tendency to come across harsh. Perhaps it was all those years as a military briefer! You’ve got to condense everything you want to say into short bullet statements and delivery them with authority or you won’t be believed.

Nevertheless, I took his words to heart and asked him to elaborate some more. He did. He didn’t us it as an opportunity to chop me down. Rather he could tell  I was seriously and honestly wanting answers and wanting to improve this blind spot in my behavior. I was, and am, grateful to him.  I prefer to take the attitude that I always need to improve on something and that as much self evaluating as I do in attempting to do just that, I still have blind spots that I need other people who care about me and also want me to improve (want the best for me) to point out to me. So I find it is best to not get defensive (“I am NOT!!!”), but rather take an open and learning mind to the situation. Listen and learn.

Of course, the disclaimer here is that I am listening to people who care about me and also want me to improve and want the best for me. I’m not going to let myself be manipulated that would want to use my desire to improve just to  ”get” something out of me. I certainly try to keep my eyes and ears open for them.

Just wanted to share. Always keep learning, always keep moving forward.

Remember that old saying, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

Russ

This morning I woke up thinking about parasites, yeah, what a cheerful thought, huh? But I wasn’t thinking about your everyday parasites like leaches and ticks (well, not necessarily I suppose) rather those kind of people whether they are individuals or groups that have a tendency to attach themselves to others when their “chips are down”. At first they may present themselves as being concerned for you and your welfare or even some other mutual good cause but in the end you find they are just looking out for themselves. Naturally as you go through a divorce and for a time thereafter you are vulnerable to these types of people. You may or may not be approached by them and you may or may not succumb to their deceptions.

I think my point here is two fold; One to remind you that those people are out there and; Two to also remind you that even if you do succumb to their deceptions for awhile, don’t be too hard on yourself. Ok, you made a mistake, sure. But they hunted you down with skill and precision like a big game hunter hunting prey. They found you when you were most likely to be deceived and they  proceeded to do so to you. as I’ve been told on so many other matters, “You’ve got to learn to forgive yourself.” I think that is good advice. And may be a good place to start if you find yourself in this type of situation.

See ya later,

Russ

For a moment my diet (and artieries) hung in the balance, everything became strangely quite, a hush filled the room, my life passed before my eyes!  Okay – so I’m probably building this up quite a bit for dramatic effect but anyone whose been tempted like this on a diet can relate I’m sure.

“Can I help you?” the waitress asked?  For a moment I was almost going to say “Pork Tenderloin with a side of Rings please!”  But then I came to my senses (much to my stomach’s dismay) and ordered a Chef Salad with a lite dressing and a bottle of water.  Not to make to much of it but I really think I probably deserve at least the Victorian Cross!  (my stomach feels the purple heart is in order!).

Just wanted to share this little victory with everyone and encourage any fellow dieters out there . . . after all if I can do it anyone can!  Food is certainly my weakness . . . I’m not much of a drinker, quit smoking twenty years ago, I don’t gamble, swear excessively or frequent houses of ill repute.  Most such temptations I can avoid.  But if Darth Vader was ever to turn me to the dark side it would be because he’d said “Join the Dark Side Bill . . . we’ve got jelly donuts!”.  Yep – pretty pathetic but you don’t know the power of the JELLY!  ~:?)

Recently resisted temptation also?  If you’d like to brag on yourself a bit we’d love to hear about ti!  Just drop a comment below.  Otherwise stay strong and Be Well

Bill

There can be some real challenges to getting in better shape as a divorced “dude”; I thought maybe I’d take a look at a few of those and share with you what is working for me in regard to each.  I’m no expert by any means – but I do know what has worked in my life.

1 – Stress:  Going through and recovering from a divorce is not exactly conducive to low blood pressure is it? !!  All the crap that comes raining down on you while you are going through the BIG D and you wanna try to loose weight too?  I’ve found that the best strategy during that initial year is to avoid getting in the habit of eating a lot of junk food and/or using food as a coping mechanism.  I wouldn’t suggest putting yourself on a strict diet with all of the associated stress but just work on building healthy eating habits.  I’ve written a few posts with good, low fat, recipes that you might want to check out under the category “Recipes”.

2 – Support:  Most divorced dudes are living on their own and may not have much of a support network going on yet.  That can make it very difficult to stick to a diet since accountability is a big piece of the puzzle.  I’m lucky to have friends and family who encourage me in my efforts; but I’ve found support in other places as well.  Your co-workers can be a great source of encouragement as can be people who belong to the same church, club or civic organization; just mention that you are trying to loose a few pounds and most people with be happy to lend their encouragement.  I have a few co-workers who I have made a habit out of mentioning my successes (and failures) to each week . . . not like a formal report or anything – I just mention it in conversation “at the water cooler” as it were.  Helps me resist temptation!

3 – Convenience:  It is much easier to throw a frozen pizza in the oven than to take the time to cook a low-fat, nutritious meal.  I’m a pretty good in the kitchen and I actually enjoy cooking but even for me it’s a challenge to avoid taking the “easy” way out at the end of a long day.  (as divorced men we have to not only put in a day’s work but keep the house as well . . . sometimes I am just not “feelin’ it”).  One of the things that has helped me a lot is that over the years of being a single-dad I developed a number of quick, easy, recipes for meals that not only taste pretty good (they had to pass the “kid test” after all!) but are also low fat and relatively healthy and some of those are actually EASIER than the aforementioned frozen pizza!  So starting a collection of the same is probably a good step for any divorced dude; you can find them on-line, in magazines, newspapers and from friends and family as well as here at dudesndivorce.com.

4 – Depression:  the sad truth is that a huge percentage of divorced men suffer from some form of depression which can lead to overeating and lack of exercise.  When you feel like your living your life under a wet, warm, wool blanket it can be extremely difficult to get up the energy to do much beyond what you absolutely MUST do.  Sitting on the couch, watching T.V. and eating “comfort” food is a huge temptation at this point.  If you think this describes you then please, by all means, talk w/ your doctor!  There is no reason not to and depression is not something that you can just “shake off” and go on with your life.  As I mentioned earlier many, many men experience depression at some point during the process of a divorce or the recovery phase afterwards.  Your doctor can prescribe something to help you over the “hump” and might know of some other methods to help ease the symptoms.  The great challenge with depression is that it is like having a dead battery in your car.  You lack the spark, the energy, to get moving or get much accomplished.  Also, you can’t generate the energy on your own!  Just like the car – once your get that jump start from someone else your car can re-charge it’s battery.  But without that outside help there’s no way it can get started on that.  Think on it dude!

5 – Last but not least is loneliness . . . you find yourself alone but not ready emotionally to meet someone new or conduct a relationship.  So if you are like a lot of people (myself included!) you eat to cover up the loneliness.  It doesn’t make much sense but that’s what we do never-the-less!  I know that I have always gained the most weight after a break-up and when I was in that “lonely but not ready to move forward” phase.  Ice cream and cookies here I come!  I’ve found it helps me to spend more time with my friends and family at this juncture and also to build a habit of doing something else other than eating when the lonely feelings start in.  I love to garden and fish and take walks so I do those things as much as possible when I get in the mood to “eat my loneliness”.  I will admit that I don’t always do this 100% of the time . . . but when I do it works for me.

Those are just the first few challenges that came to mind as I looked at this and like I said I can only tell you what works for me.  I hope they helped a bit one way or another.

Good luck on the Battle of the Bulge and . . .

Be Well!

Bill

Baked Chicken Breast W/ Mixed Veggies:

Most stores sell boneless, skinless frozen chicken breasts for about 7 – 8 dollars a bag which contains enough meat for three or four meals.  Put one or two of these breasts on a cookie sheet or other baking dish (grease the pan first with a spay oil like PAM – I like the olive oil spray).  sprinkle on your favorite seasoning (BBQ rub, Italian, Caribbean Jerk . . . just watch the salt content) I usually spray them lightly with the olive oil spray since it helps to keep the meat juicy and holds the seasoning on better.  Bake at about 350 for 15 – 20 minutes or until done.  I like to buy the frozen veggies since they taste better than canned.  Fresh are better especially if you steam them but that takes quite a lot more time so I’m going with frozen here.  Just measure the amount of veggies you want, nuke ‘em in the microwave (better steamed but again I’m going for time here as well) and there you go – a good, filling, dinner that is relatively low in fat and doesn’t take long to cook.

Chicken-N-Rice:

This is a recipe for the rice cooker that I reviewed a while back ( http://dudesndivorce.com/2009/06/27/review-of-the-black-decker-rc3406-rice-cooker-and-two-easy-recipes/ ) Once again start out with one of the frozen chicken breasts mentioned above.  Thaw it out completely in the microwave and cut it up into cubes about the size of  one die from a pair of dice.  Nuke those so that they are almost done  (about a minute or so in most microwaves). Put the water and rice in your rice cooker as you normally would for one serving but add about an extra half cup of water.  Throw in a cup of frozen mixed veggies (whatever kind sounds good to you) add the chicken and set the cooker to cooking!  When it’s done – your done and ready to eat.  (this is a meal that is easy to take to work for lunch also).

Grilled Hamburger w/ Corn on the Cob:

No – this isn’t a cruel joke!   Just have to make some adjustments.  First you have to buy the really lean hamburger (90/10 or better) this is a lot more expensive but the overall cost of the meal isn’t bad.  Now lean hamburger isn’t quite a flavorful as the fattier stuff so before you patt it into pattys you need to mix in some seasonings (I mentioned some above) and maybe some A1 Sauce.  Grill as you normally would and dress your bun with condiments that are lower in fat (i.e. no mayo or cheese) a slice of tomato, dill pickle, mustard, ketchup are all fine.  Now on to the corn.  The trick here is to find young, tender ears of the super-sweet varieties.  Boil them as you normally would (I know – not very quick – but easy!)  When they are done eat them withOUT the butter and tons of salt that you might normally use.  I know, I know – shocking suggestion!  It is an adjustment that your taste buds take some time to adjust to, but what you may find is that with a good ear of corn you actually get MORE flavor  without all the butter and salt – you can actually taste the corn.  Try it and you might be pleasantly surprised.  I realize this entry isn’t real quick to prepare but I thought it was good to mention and since you don’t have all the pans to wash it can save enough time on cleanup to make the overall meal fairly reasonable on time requirements.

Sub Sandwich:

A sub is pretty easy and quick to build and very easy to take to lunch or on the go.  If you use lean meats, hold off on the cheese (or if you have to use cheese use white cheese such as mozzarella) and mayo or salad dressing you should be able to build a respectable Dagwood that won’t choke your arteries with fat.  For those of you watching your carbs they make a flatbread (I think it’s called Flat-Out) that is very low in carbs AND fat – and a wrap isn’t too different than a sub. The danger with these of course is that you want to eat them with chips and chips are loaded with fat.  Look at maybe pretzels, nuts or grapes instead of the chips.  No real recipe here as every man knows at an instinctual and genetic level how to build an uber-sandwich – just the above guidelines to make it a bit healthier.  As far as expense this is one where the cost per sandwich isn’t too bad and if you are taking them to work rather than eating out you are going to be saving a lot of money in the long run.

OK – well there are a few meals that shouldn’t break the bank, are relatively quick and easy to make and are low in fat.  As I mentioned above the salt and carbs are another matter but that is up to you to decide how you want to approach your dieting.  Hope you found something of help and good luck on the diet!

Be Well

Bill

I want to share something kinda personal with you all today; not because I have some need to garner attention from strangers or because I’m wanting to elicit sympathy.  No it’s more because I know that a lot of divorced dudes in my age range deal with this and because by sharing it with all of you I will be more strongly motivated to fight all the harder.

The battle I am fighting has to do with my health.  I’m a big guy – well over six foot and well over 200 pounds and I have the high blood pressure and sleep apnea to prove it!  Weight has always been an issue for me – I’m not much of an athlete (which is kinda like saying that Hitler wasn’t much of a humanitarian!!) I’ve always gravitated more towards reading, writing and other sedentary pursuits than I have physical stuff.  I also dearly love food!  And the combination is starting to really take it’s toll.

I met with a Heart Specialist the other day and he laid it all out pretty straight.  Basic facts are I need to loose about a hundred pounds, get some exercise, eat better and get that blood pressure down (it’s about 140/90).  If I don’t then I’m going to die, simple as that.  Either a heart attack, a stroke or I just won’t wake up one morning.  I’ve been ignoring my health far too long and now it’s down to the wire.

Now this just isn’t something I know much about – I have the book knowledge but not the experience and so I’m going to be learning this by trial and error.  If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions I certainly welcome them and I will promise to give updates on my progress from time to time (and I’ll probably ask for advice along the way as well).

Men, I have three kids, two grandchildren and a lot of friends and family whom I love and care about very much.  I don’t want to end up missing out on getting to be a part of their lives.  Already my poor physical condition gets in the way of going hiking and doing other fun stuff with them – Guess I’m really letting it rob me of some really wonderful times.   It is long past time to turn this around.

Thanks for listening to me

Be Well

Bill

Okay – I admit it – I was a bit nonplussed when I saw Work listed as one of the virtues in William Bennett’s Book of Virtues!  But after I got to reading it I started to realize a bit better what it was that he was talking about.  See “work” isn’t necessarily your JOB!  It’s the constructive effort you put forth in your life and it very much defines who you are!   It’s not just wither you are a butcher or a baker or a candlestick maker (boy THERE’S a Career suffering in this economy!).  It’s also about the work you do as a fly fishermen, painter or gardener.  The stuff you pour yourself into creates your life!  For instance I love to garden, ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I’m always leafing through seed catalogs or talking about the variety of pepper or tomato I plan on growing next year.  My back yard in one huge garden and I spend an insane amount of money growing those “free” veggies!   Gardening is a big part of my life gentlemen and one that impacts how I eat, how I spend my money and what I am interested in.  I also like to think that whenever I pass on to that Great Cabbage Patch in the sky that someone coming after me will appreciate all I did to improve my little patch of garden soil.

Of course work, under this definition, has a lot to do with your job as well.  Bennett includes pieces in this chapter to underscore how pouring yourself into your job is important as well.  Sort of a zen-like concept of being present focused and putting all of yourself and all of your effort into each moment of your life.  No matter if you are a Brain Surgeon or a Janitor be intent on doing each task to the utmost of your ability.  Sure – it pays the same to do a great job as it does to do a mediocre one – but it’s really not about the pay; it’s about self-respect, character building and serving others.

Finally, while the book doesn’t really emphasise this, I think it can be pointed out that doing work as defined above also applies greatly to being a father.  Sometimes we all tend to “coast” a bit in relationships, even with our children.  But putting forth the effort to make every moment count, to pour yourself into parenting them with a fully involved heart and mind is truly your greatest work.  

So – as much as I hate to admit it, I guess that work really IS a virtue!  And furthermore it is one which us divorced “dudes” can profit from developing in our lives.  Anyway – it is something worth thinking about.

Hope this helps and be well!

Bill

Friends also provide each other with honest feedback and accountability.  Parents may ease those blows with children and spouses may either try to avoid those blows or become so frustrated that they hit too hard.  But a true friend knows you very well, knows how much you can take and isn’t afraid to give it to you.  If you do something stupid it is usually your best friend who is the first to sit you down, look you in the eye and gently tell you that you’re acting like a moron!  They know your strengths and they know your weaknesses and they love you enough to hold you accountable.

For the divorced man there is a very great need for such a friend.  In fact friendship is sometimes the one thing that helps a man going through a divorce make it through with his sanity intact.  I’ve noticed though that some of us tend to put up walls when we are faced with hard times; we don’t want to burden our friends or do something that will cause them to think us weak.  Well men, if they can’t understand what you are going through then screw ‘em!  If they are so hung up on some unrealistic concept of “manliness” that involves never needing the support of a friend – well they aren’t going to be much use in the real world.  And if maybe that is YOUR perspective . . . well dude – time to wake up!  Divorces will tear you up and spit you out no matter who you are – Rambo or PeeWee Herman!  So if you have a friend who seems to be supportive and understanding then invest yourself a bit in that friendship.  You don’t have to sit around together drinking coffee and wringing your hands; but give yourself permission to just be real. 

I’m in my late 40’s and Russ and I have been friends since the end of our Sophomore year in high school, lo these many long and weary ages ago.  During that time we’ve both been through some pretty heavy crap, we’ve each screwed up a few times and we’ve each had to make some very tough choices about the way our lives would go.  I’m glad to be able to say that we’ve been there for each other through it all.  We don’t always see eye to eye but we share a basic respect for each other, we understand each other very well and we have confidence in the fact that the other is “there” for us – no matter where “there” happens to be.

Until next time . . . Be Well!

Bill