For those of you who are thinking they could do without the complications, worries and potential hurts of a physically intimate relationship right now – that is a great personal insight and responsible decision.  BUT – how do we keep with that choice?  You and I both know that when it comes to sex the mind is often ready to abstain but the flesh . . . eh not so much! 

So here are some “tricks” that I’ve found helpful over the years:

1 –  As I’ve mentioned in other posts I am a big believer that where your focus is – there you are.  It’s the things that we think about, dwell upon and place our focus on that influence how we act and believe.  The same is true of sex.  If you say that you want to abstain but then spend every spare moment entertaining thoughts on the matter . . . well I’m not bettin’ the farm on your ability to achieve your goal.  It takes a lot of mental discipline but work on building the habit of refocusing your attention elsewhere when those thoughts start.  You can just consciously decide to think about something else; takes some time but it can be mastered with practice.  My favorite trick is to distract myself with something I enjoy doing – for instance I enjoy gardening . . . so when those thoughts start in I just shake my head (the slight disorientation of shaking your head “no”  helps disrupt the thought process) and start planning my garden for next spring or making a to-do list for things I need to do in my garden.  This will work for any hobby.

2 – Stay away from porn.  It’s everywhere now and with the internet you can access just about anything imaginable.  But once again – where is your focus?  I’m thinking that if you are watching a porn clip that you probably aren’t thinking about gardening!  Porn also tends to make women into objects – it depersonalizes them and present a very skewed and sick perspective on male/female relations.  While you may understand that intellectually, prolonged exposure to porn will start to impact your perceptions and habits of thought towards women.  Not a good way to heal emotionally or to prepare yourself for one day having a healthy relationship.

3 – Don’t put yourself in situations that might present opportunity for failure.  In other words don’t let your friends talk you into going to a singles bar or a strip club or some other “target rich” environment.  In fact it doesn’t even have to be somewhere as dark as those – Singles Groups in churches can be pretty dangerous as well! (believe it or not).  Doesn’t mean you have to nail your door shut from the inside and become a recluse . . . we all need social interaction and denying yourself of that can be just as problematic . . . but aim at things like civic organizations, hobby clubs, book clubs, church activities . . . things without a predominately single female demographic.  In fact those kinds of activities can help reduce the feeling of loneliness and focus more of your attention on hobbies or outside activities – good medicine!

4 – Accountability!  Find someone who will hold you accountable and to whom you can go when times get rough.  A friend, pastor, counselor, brother . . . someone who you can call when sorely tempted.  Being able to process and vent these things with another guy is very helpful.  Someone who really understands the problems of being a single/divorced man is best.  You don’t want someone whose going to pound you on the back and say “Attaboy!” if you fail – nor – someone who’ll deck you with a 73 pound King James Reference Bible.   Sometimes that can be harder to find than you might believe.

5 – Finally – and probably most importantly -  for any of this to work you have to re-invent how you perceive yourself.  You have to be able to know yourself as a man you abstains from sex (at least for now) and you have to be proud of that part of your character.  Best example I can give is from an experience of my own.  Many years ago I was a smoker – smoked a pack of Pall Mall’s a day – eventually I made the decision to quit and stuck with it.  Part of what helped me do that is I started to SEE myself and THINK of myself as a non-smoker!  I’ll be honest – even today almost 20 years later – I have moments in which I would REALLY like a smoke!  But I don’t because I’m not a smoker!  To be successful at this decision to refrain from sex you are going to need to SEE yourself and THINK of yourself in those terms.  Now hopefully it won’t be twenty years of abstention – eventually you’ll recover and heal and be ready to have an emotionally healthy and physically intimate relationship again.  But that day will come quicker if you abstain than otherwise – and the tricks I mentioned above should help you in doing that.

I hope this was of help.

Until next time – Be Well!

Bill

For some, coming out of a “cold” relationship it has a lot to do with pent up sexual frustrations.  For others it is the idea that “Finally” they can pursue other relationships.  No matter what the cause it is generally true that most go through a period in which they are thinking a LOT about sex; specifically . . . how they might get some.

In that initial period of excitement it’s kind of easy to put the higher cerebral functioning in neutral and do most of our thinking with our passions.  I don’t know what your experience has been but mine has shown that my passions rarely consider all the possible repercussions and that, of course, is the problem.   Listening to your passions leads you to act like a 15 year old.  Which is rough enough at 15!   Much more so at 35 or 40. 

It all seems so wonderful when it’s happening but a few days later when you are worried sick about a possible pregnancy or STD or your lady friend is turning out to be borderline psychotic . . .the warm fuzzies get hard to find.

I’m not going to give a list of reasons NOT to have sex; Nor am I going to proselytize or preach about why you shouldn’t.  We’re all big boys here and know those things full well.  And you have probably already made up your mind on the matter and if you are intent on “having fun” then nothing I or anyone else says is going to make much of a difference.  Passions not only make poor thinkers . . . they also tend to be deaf.

But what I think I might do – if you are interested – is offer up some “tricks” to sticking with the decision to hold off on sexual relations until you are ready emotionally and have found the “right” woman to share those things with.  I’ve been divorced twice and have been through this myself more than once.  I’ve made mistakes and I’ve had successes and I think that I can offer some information that might be helpful. 

In the interest of having enough space to really treat the topic right, I believe I’ll start that in my next post on Tuesday.   Until then if you’ve any specific challenges please feel free to leave a comment or drop me a line at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com

Until then . . . let’s be careful out there! . . . and Be Well!!

Bill

I think if you talk to a hundred men contemplating divorce that a pretty large percentage of them will express in one way of another than the life of a divorced man is somehow superior to that of an un-happily married man.  They see freedom, independence and a life style full of choices that they wish they had for themselves.  Many believe that divorced guys have more disposable income and that, certainly, their sex lives are far more interesting and adventuresome!

Well . . . hate to break it to you men but . . . turns out it just ain’t so.  Sure you have freedom from the responsibilities and obligations of your marriage . . . but really how much is that?  You still have to work, pay bills, shop and generally take care of the business of life.  It’s true that you can decide to do things you hadn’t been able to do before (go to school, travel some, etc . . ..) but it’s not the life of Reilly.  As far as having more spending money . . . oh I  don’t think so!  Many men are truly shocked at the hit they take financially (want an eye opener?  read “Hit Him Where It Hurts: The Take-No-Prisoners Guide to Divorce–Alimony, Custody, Child Support, and More” by Sherri Donovan.) It’s a book that I feel every guy thinking about a divorce should read before-hand.  To be honest many if not most divorced men have a SMALLER disposable income than they did before the divorce.  Think about that.

And finally regarding the sex . . . I really hate to ruin all those great fantasies but most divorced guys are just not having sex every night with some hot young co-ed.  In fact I’d say it’s safe to hazard that most divorced men are having sex LESS often than they were in their marriage!  Now what’s the fun in THAT observation?! 

So, if you are still just in the contemplation stage on divorce be aware that some of the myths about life as a divorced “dude” are just that – myths.  The reality isn’t nearly as much fun.

Hope this series was of some help or at least interesting to think about.

Until next time . . . Be Well!

Bill

First we have what I like to call the “Hoes-R-Us” sites . . . these are pretty blatantly just about finding a one night stand.  Not a lot of screening in most of these and not much in the way of determining if the two of you are deeply compatible emotionally and psychologically . . . pretty much just a matter of mutual convenience.  Personally these really aren’t my style . . . I’m just sayin’ that there would seem to be some sanitation issues involved that I’d really rather avoid entirely.

Second is the Run-of-the-mill sites; no real emphasis on matching and sort of a crap-shoot insofar as meeting anyone.  You end up talking to a LOT of women before you run across one who you can click with.  I have met a few nice ladies on these sites.  Biggest drawback is normally one of distance.  Sure she’s nice and all but she lives four states away!  Hmmm.  You also meet some Stealth-Hoes on these sites.  They seem all nice and lady-like and stuff but then about the third or fourth message or the first phone call and they are suddenly talking like a 1-900 number (or so I would imagine!).   But Stealth-Hoes and distance issues aside you CAN meet someone nice on one of these sites . . . it’s just a volume game.

The final type of site that I’ve run across is the high-dollar, compatibility-is-our-middle-name variety.  The cost is normally a bit more but I see that as an advantage as it tends to weed out those who aren’t seriously looking and not just acting “on a whim and a hormone”.  The compatibility stuff is nice as well since it takes a lot of the guessing game out of it.  I belonged to one such site that is considered one of the top compatibility sites on the web (yes- the one you are probably thinking of) and I have to say that I felt the experience was a positive one.  Nearly everyone I met on that site seemed fairly normal and relatively healthy emotionally.  I made several friends (non-romantic) and actually did meet a lady to whom I was engaged for a while.  Things didn’t work out between us but I don’t blame the site for that.

As in everything else it’s all about what you want to get out of it.  Personally, for me, the higher cost of the compatibility site was well worth the money and I would probably use it again.  What’s your experience been like?  I’d be interested in hearing if anyone has found a site that seems really excellent . . . or conversely . . . one that is especially not so excellent.

Until next time (Tuesday)

Be Well

Bill