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Just in case I need to re-state the obvious – things change after a divorce.  In fact they change a LOT and in a lot of different areas in your life; from what you eat and drive to where you live and work – it ALL can be affected.  Probably one of the biggest areas of change though is in not only how but with whom you have relationships.  Just like with old Al’s theory things are not only relative according to your perspective in the physical realm – they also change in your relational world.  Some relationships are going to end pretty quickly (in-laws are probably not going to want to have much to do with you, nor will her friends) while others are going to make some drastic changes over time.  I want to touch on several types of relationships over the course of a few posts but I’ll start with friendships.

To start off I can’t emphasize enough how important to a divorced dude true friends are.  Family is great, kids are great, girl-friends are great all in their respective ways – but a small handful of close friends are really invaluable.  This constitutes one of those relative changes; while friends are of middle importance to a married man they are of MUCH greater import to a divorced one.  Why? because they provide a sense of normalcy, perspective, support and stress relief; let’s look at those individually:

Normalcy:   After a divorce your life makes some big changes.  You are no longer a married man and you find your place and role in the world deeply different than it was just a few short months before.  It’s easy to feel a little isolated and to wonder if the things you’re feeling and the challenges you’re facing are normal.  That’s where and when a few friends who are also divorced can really be a god-send!  I recall when I first went through a divorce and became a single parent that I had the very good fortune of making a few friends who were also divorced, single parents.  Can’t tell you how many times they helped me realize that they had also been though the same things I was facing and that I could make it through just like they had.  This is part of the reason Russ and I started dudesndivorce.com  – to help men feel a little less isolated out there in divorce-land.   This is critical for divorced men and something that can be best provided by a few close friends; especially male friends.  Guys have a way of telling it to you straight and letting you know when you’re drifting off base.

Perspective:  As many of you are only too aware the process of a divorce and the difficulties of dealing with your ex afterwards can become darn near all-consuming.  Eventually things settle down but for the first couple years life seems to center around custody, court, child support/alimony and negotiating visitation.  It’s really hard to keep your sense of perspective through all of that!  Seems as if your world is revolving around every phone conversation, every contact and every payment.  You can find yourself constantly looking for hidden meanings and suspecting hidden motives behind everything your ex-spouse says and does.  During that time it’s great to have a friend who’s been through that already and who can listen while you vent your frustrations and maybe help you take a step back now and then to take a broader view of the situation.  In fact, that function of friendship doesn’t cease being important after the initial phase passes on – I think it remains important throughout your life.  I’ve been divorced a long time now but every now and then Russ says something that helps me see that I’ve lost some perspective along the way.  When you are married your spouse normally provides that outside perspective and balancing function – but once divorced we have to depend a bit more on others in our life and a good friend is a pretty decent stand-in – at least in this regard.

Support:  You know support is one of those things that some men won’t admit a need for beyond a jock strap.  Something about the male persona causes many of us to deny the need for an outside source of emotional energy and support.  Not sure why that is but it is true none-the-less.  Now I don’t suggest that we all need a friend to hold our hand or carry us through every crisis.  But I will maintain that even the strongest amongst us need to have someone they can turn to now and then for some encouragement and a listening ear.  Divorce is HARD! It’ll suck every ounce of emotional energy out of you in no time flat.  You often feel like there’s no way to win, that you are being put through an industrial strength wood chipper and that all your options are shot.  Ex-wives know all of our emotional buttons and delight in pushing them repeatedly; finances are shot ta heck, kids are acting up or telling you they hate you . . . yeah . . . FUN TIMES!!!  When life gets that crazy there is just no way that any human being can go it alone for long without going bonkers or turning to a friend.  Even if it’s just getting together for dinner and a game or two of bowling or to watch a game – having the company of someone who isn’t piling more stress on you and who might actually be interested in hearing you unload some of your own is priceless.  That’s not something that only applies during the time immediately before and after a divorce.  The need for the support of a friend remains important long after the ink is dry on the divorce decree.

Stress Relief:  One of the things I always know I can count on from Russ is that he and I can get each other laughing in all but the absolutely worse times.  Can’t tell you how often I’ve called him up when I was in the middle of a crisis and before the call was done we were cracking each other up.  We can also have a great conversation about movies, football, food, politics and just the crazy day to day stuff that happens to us all.  Maybe that doesn’t sound like much but believe me it is one of the things I value most about my friendship with Russ.  Divorce in particular and life in general can really build up the stress levels till you think you’re going to scream!  Be it some idiot at work, problems with the car or a huge and unexpected bill – there’s always something putting on the pressure.  That’s why I value the resource I have in a great friend like Russ – someone I can call up and tell about the moron at the office and who will empathize with his signature statement “some people’s children!”  Now I agree that it takes time to build and develop a friendship like that – Russ and I have been working on it for over 30 years now!  But even a fairly new friend is usually good for sharing some laughs with and that is a very important (and often under appreciated) contribution that friends can make to our lives.

Having said all this great stuff about friendships I can imagine that there are some men out there who find themselves currently without any close friends.  It’s not unusual for men to focus so much energy on work and family that they never take the time to develop outside friendships; so when a divorce happens they are pretty much left isolated.  Well gentlemen – it’s never too late to start!  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts it’s a good idea after a divorce to get involved in some social activities; church, clubs, civic organizations . . . not only are they great ways to start rebuilding your life they are rich sources of potential friends as well.  Start attending and don’t be afraid to take the initiative to start a conversation.  That’s how most friendships start.

Next post we’ll focus on the relationships we have with our children and how those change with a divorce and how to make that change easier and healthier for everyone.

Until then – Be Well!

Bill

The next principle to think about as you contemplate the need to separate from your spouse is respect.  Do you respect your wife even when you disagree with things she says and does?  Do you feel like she respects you even though she may not agree with you?  Do you both treat each other with dignity and in a way that is respectful of the other person’s feelings and beliefs?  If after a lot of thought you can answer to the affirmative then there still remains a fundamental element of respect in the relationship and that is a valuable strength that can go a long way towards resolving the problems between you.  Like trust, respect is vital to building a safe environment in which a couple can allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to work towards a stronger relationship. 

Some time ago I wrote a post and an article on E-Zine.com about how relating to an ex was kind of like petting a porcupine . . . you can get close enough to do so without getting hurt but first you have to win their trust; otherwise all you get is quills of defensiveness and loads of pain.  Respect is a crucial piece to building that trust as it let’s the other person know that you take them seriously and will honor what they feel is important. 

Unfortunately respect is easily lost.  Sometimes the loss is the result of something one partner did to the other; an affair, violence, cheating or lying; such acts are demeaning to the other partner, are profoundly painful and demonstrate a lack of concern for their thoughts, feelings and sense of self-worth.  Resolution here can only be found when first the offending partner DEMONSTRATES by both words and actions that they regret their actions and are willing to humble themselves to the other and ask for forgiveness and then, second, the injured partner must genuinely forgive the offender.  Unfortunately many marriages are caught on the rocks of either an insincere apology or an undependable forgiveness.  If you ask for forgiveness and then repeat your offense then obviously you weren’t being sincere and that only compounds, multiplies, the disrespect.  Likewise if you forgive then you must be willing to forget which means you don’t bring up the supposedly forgiven offense each time you get into an argument.  Until both parties are sincere in their regret and their forgiveness the relationship will founder on the rocks of disrespect.

Respect is also sometimes lost by taking your partner for granted in the daily grind of life.  In the hustle and bustle of day to day living this can be incredibly easy to have happen. Because your partner is so much a part of daily life it’s easy to forget how much they contribute to the overall end product of our lives.  Personally I feel that this is one of the leading causes of the infamous “7 year itch” – at that point in time relationships have moved out of the honeymoon period and settled into the monotony of work, sleep, eat.  Lovers start taking each other for granted and start feeling the loss of emotional connection and significance.  This depreciation of the respect you felt in the relationship’s early days leads to dissatisfaction and resentment.  If this is the core issue for your marriage then get back in the habit of letting your spouse know how much you appreciate the things she does . . . and romance her a bit!  You might be surprised by what happens!   On a darker note though this same tendency to take the other for granted is at it’s worst when one partner comes to see the other as merely a means to an end; be it finances, a clean home or regular sex.  This depersonalization of the other is extremely destructive to the healthy respect that a strong marriage is built upon.  If you feel like this is the case in your partnership then you have a tough problem to fix; one that will probably involve some healthy confrontation and counseling to resolve. 

Finally a loss of respect can come in the form of disrespectful and abusive treatment.  Unfortunately, for whatever individual reason, some people grow sour over time.  Maybe they are unhappy with their life in general; maybe it’s something from their childhood, a habit of “stinkin’ thinkin’ or even a personality disorder.  Whatever the reason some people develop a habit of hateful and mean spiritedness in how they relate to others.  This can come in the form of belittling comments, verbal “tongue-lashings”, harshness, criticalness and constant arguing over even the smallest things; in extreme cases it can even lead to physical violence or cruelty.  Often these patterns don’t develop suddenly but slowly over time.  Like the proverbial frog being boiled alive we find ourselves being boiled in the vitriol of our partner’s ill-treatment before we realize there is a problem.  Unfortunately sometimes even after we’ve realized that there is a problem we hesitate to defend ourselves too strongly out of a mistaken idea that it’s better to avoid an argument.  If after some honest self-examination you realize that you are guilty of this kind of mistreatment of your spouse then counseling is probably in order.  Either to gain some better relationship skills or to address whatever is causing the pain inside of you that you are transferring onto others.  If you are the victim of this kind of treatment then to preserve yourself and the marriage both parties are going to need to get into some counseling and you need friends or family who will support you and build you up emotionally where your spouse is tearing you down. 

Respect is a crucial element in any relationship but especially in a marriage.  Nearly every form of the traditional wedding vow includes the injunction to “honor” one another and for good reason.  Without honor or respect the marriage relationship quickly becomes a source of bitterness, regret and anger.  Like everything else there is no perfect marriage and for some that may mean a certain degree of struggle with giving and receiving respect between spouses. Whatever your situation only you can really gauge the degree of the problem and the possibility of a solution.  Hopefully I’ve been able to provide some added grist for the mill as you consider these issues and how to respond.

Be well

Bill

Hey there gentlemen!  Hope your week is coming together for you nicely.

This last weekend Russ came down for a visit along with my son and my grand-daughter.  It was a great time having everyone at the house and we had a chance to really get in a good visit and just set back and enjoy the weekend.

I think it was Sunday night that Russ and I were visiting as we put together something to eat for the Cowboys/Giants game and got talking about the odd habit we have as English speakers of saying “Damn it” when we’re upset with a person, place, thing or event.  Have you ever really thought about that before?  I mean when you say “Damn it” you are basically asking that the thing you’re upset with be sent to Hell (as in “damned to Hell”).  As is normal for Russ and I we were kind of half joking around and half serious at the same time and we discussed how that if you spend your whole life damning everything you hate and then end up going to Hell yourself . . . well then you’ve really only yourself to blame if it’s filled with the things you hate!! 

I’ve been mulling that over in my mind since Sunday and I think there is a great point of insight buried in there.  In a way aren’t we really always in the process of building a Heaven or a Hell and filling it with the things we love or hate?  Maybe not the actual Heaven or Hell of the Bible – but a reflection of those in this life that we create day by day through our attitudes, words and deeds.   As I’ve said several times in this Blog “where your focus is . . . there you are!” and I really believe this illustrates that main point.   If you take a “damning” attitude towards life in general and the people and events of which it is comprised then you have a damning focus and thus – a damned existence.  This is so like some of the people I’ve known over the years that it seems almost self-evident to me.  They trust no one, always expect the worse, constantly find fault in everything and everyone and always overlook beauty as they focus on the ugliness of life.   They grow bitter and miserable and sullen and for all intents and purposes live in a Hell of their own damned creation.

On the other hand there are people who are always focused on goodness and beauty and blessing.  These people expect the best in people and situations and even when bad stuff happens they are able to find the silver lining or the hidden blessing.  As time goes on they seem to grow more content, happy and full of joy and they never seem to loose the wonder of childhood.  They live in a Heaven of their own blessed creation.

OK – sounds a bit heavy and maybe more than a little corny – but I think the core point here is sound; watch your attitude!  Don’t let your divorce and it’s associated pain and heartbreak sour your attitude and set you on a road of damnation.  It’s easy to do! The emotional pain, the injustice of the court system, the stress and pressure can all conspire together to make a man angry and bitter.  But awareness of the danger helps as does a determination to remain positive even when acknowledging the challenges and hurts facing you.

Stay the course, remain focused on coming out of your divorce a better man and you’ll be a long way towards avoiding the Hell of your own damning!

Be well!

Bill

Going in to work this morning I had to swerve slightly to miss a box turtle trying to cross the road.  I always feel a pang of sympathy for these little guys as they slowly plod across the road with trucks and cars whizzing by at breakneck speed.  Fortunately for this particular turtle he was close to my house out in the country and the road doesn’t get much traffic; with any kind of luck at all he should have made it across just fine.  But the poor guys that you see on the shoulder of the highway looking across four lanes of traffic are basically turtles contemplating suicide.  Not much of a chance that they’ll make it across is there?  But go they do and never one bit faster than they do anything else.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Bet you are wondering by now what in the world this has to do with being a divorced guy.  Well after I swerved this morning to miss that turtle my mind got to wandering, as it is wont to do and I realized how much I have been like a turtle in my own life at times.  Your average box turtle has a nice shell to keep him safe, thick scaly skin a sharp beak and strong legs – pretty impressive package for overcoming most of the normal hazards in a turtle’s life   Well, just like the turtle I have some coping mechanisms that have served me well in dealing with the daily hazards of being Bill and so – just like him – I tend to stick with them.

Problem develops though when the turtle encounters a busy highway - a whole new situation filled with completely different dangers.   He just can’t fully grasp what it is he’s facing and so he falls back on defenses that have always worked for him in the past.  Right in the middle of the road he pulls his head into his shell and depends on it’s strength to protect him from the wheels of the speeding cars . . . bad plan! 

Seems pretty obvious to us and yet I’ve caught myself doing the same sort of thing when trying to get through and deal with divorce in my own life.  I’ve fallen back on coping strategies that have worked well for me in other situations and depend on them to help me deal effectively with the dangers of a divorce . . . bad plan!  An angry ex-wife is nothing like an angry parent or child or boss – what works on them doesn’t work on her.  Same story with the legal and financial challenges you find yourself in and (most importantly) the threats to your emotional and mental health.  All of these are completely different from the normal hazards of daily adult life and attempting to use the normal adult coping skills on them is bound to be less than effective.

So how does the turtle cross the road? . . . well . . . Verrry carefully!  First he needs to fight the urge to put his head in his shell and instead should crane his neck to get a good look at the challenge he’s facing.  Next he admits to himself that his trusty shell isn’t going to be of much use to him this go round and considers what strategy is going to be most effective.  Then he grits his teeth . . . errr beak . . .and gets outside his comfort zone by becoming more situationally aware and by trying to move with greater speed and – well – agility.  If turtles did that you wouldn’t see as many in an advanced state of de-animation (to put it nicely) in the middle of the road.  And if more men took that approach you wouldn’t see as many crushed in the middle of their divorce.

Just a thought 

Be well!

Bill                       

Hello Dudes!  I know I’ve been away a little while – had some pretty heavy stuff going on in my personal life that just really took the wind out of my sails for a week or two.  I apologize for leaving you hanging.

Oddly enough the next virtue covered in The Book of Virtues is Courage; without going into details let me just say that my difficulties of late really required a dose of courage to resolve and so I find it personally fulfilling to start back in on this subject.

First I think it is needful to establish that courage is NOT an absence of fear, fear is a natural, good and very useful emotional reaction to a perceived threat.  The man who stands quietly in the path of a charging grizzly is not brave – he’s foolish (and soon to be lunch!).  No Courage is being afraid and yet acting in SPITE of that fear.  The courageous man may stand before that same bear if his children are behind him and he has to protect them, though his heart is in his throat.   Courage is a form of self-discipline by which we overcome the emotional reaction of fear and do what is right and necessary.

So how does this apply to the man faced with divorce?

If you are dealing with a divorce right now you know very well that it can generate a lot of fear.  In fact speaking for myself I think I’d almost rather face down that grizzly than have to go through another divorce!  Everything is at stake!  Your finances, your home, your friends and even your relationship with your kids!  Faced with that kind of situation it is easy to let fear dictate your actions.  Some men respond by becoming verbally or even physically violent, other’s resort to dirty legal tactics, lies or even running away to another state; and a few just cave in and don’t even try to defend themselves.

Courage however is what gives us the resolve to overcome those fears and deal with the situation in an effective, ethical and adult manner.  I’ve known men whose wives initially demanded the divorce and “promised” to take them for “everything they were worth” – it would have been very easy for them to react with a nasty counter-attack.  But instead they held to their beliefs that the marriage could be saved and that it was the best course (albeit the hardest one) to fight FOR the marriage and not AGAINST their spouse.  I’d like to tell you this was 100% effective but of course it was not – but for one guy at least it DID save his marriage and in fact he and his family are closer than they’ve ever been!   For those who ended up divorced anyway – well that would have happened even if they didn’t try to save the marriage and their efforts reflected well of them in court and to their children, so I guess it worked out for them as well in the long run. 

I think this applies to dealing with just about any divorce related situation; taking a stand based on your principles and core  beliefs is what is most important.  If you compromise those out of fear then even your wins are losses.   After all – What does it profit a man to win the whole world and yet loose his soul?  Fear will always guide you first and foremost towards self-preservation – it will impel you to run from the bear and leave your children unprotected.  Courage will empower you to act with honor and dignity and wisdom as you deal with divorce in your life; it will give you the strength to stand against the bear and defend what is most precious to you, no matter what the odds.

Hope this helps; until next time – Be Well!

Bill

First of all I want to start with a brief apology – My internet service has been down at home and so I’ve been unable to make my posts on time; hopefully that problem will be resolved soon.  Okay now on to the post. . . ..

As we discussed in Saturday’s post; just like many pieces make up a whole jigsaw puzzle, so we are each comprised of many different pieces that make up our whole person. A divorce is essentially the removal of one of those pieces from your life which is never an easy thing.  We also talked about how an unhealthy marriage relationship can basically taint many of the other pieces of our life such as our relationships with our children and that after the divorce it is necessary to take steps to renew those other pieces and rid them of the negative effects of that unhealthy marriage.

I think we all agree that recovery and renewal are good things, even necessary things . . . but why then is it that we’re so often hesitant to take steps in that direction?  I’d say probably the biggest cause is a fear of change.  There are plenty of reasons why we distrust and avoid change but probably one of the biggest has to do with a sense of safety.

We tend to feel more secure dealing with a known quality than stepping out into new territory.  Let’s look at relationships for example; imagine you are in a relationship with someone in which there is a pattern or a custom so to speak of always avoiding direct confrontation.  Whenever there is a problem the two of you dance around it, ignore it and avoid resolving it.  Obviously that’s a relationship in need of some healthy change; yet you’ll find that most people in that situation will avoid making the needed changes for years and years until things get so bad that it becomes a crisis.  As a very wise man told me years ago – “the greatest motivation for change is pain.” (now THAT’S a T-SHIRT!!) Why is that?  Why all the hesitation and avoidance to resolve what is probably not an insurmountable problem?  Well – we know the rules!  We know how to act, what to expect, what to do in that relationship when there is conflict – it may not work great but it is comfortable.  If we take steps to make a change . . . well ANYTHING could happen!!  We don’t know what the new rules will be, how the other person will react, what to expect . . . and that isn’t very comfortable now is it?

The relationship above is just one example of how we dislike the threat of change to our safety and security (and comfort) and therefore try to avoid it until things get so bad that we can’t do otherwise.  As a result we also loose out on the opportunity to renew our lives and our relationships into something much healthier.  When you are coming out of a divorce you are in a unique time of opportunity in your life.  You’ve faced your fear of change and already made a big adjustment that has had a trickle down effect on many, many other areas of your life.  You’ve essentially reinvented yourself almost by default!  The opportunity then is right there in front of you to continue to conquer that fear of change, to keep up that inertia of reinvention.  Take the time to examine closely each facet of your life, each piece of your self-puzzle and identify what needs a dose of healthy change.  Are there some old patterns in your relationships with your kids that need changing?  Are you happy in your career?  Want to go back to school?  Learn a new skill?  Take up a new hobby?  NOW is the time to reinvent and renew yourself! 

What if it’s been several years since your divorce and you never really made those changes at that time . . .maybe you find yourself back in a comfortable if not entirely healthy and satisfying rut?  Well – good question!  Let’s discuss that on Saturday in my next post.  As always – until that time if you’ve any thoughts, contributions to the discussion at hand or questions . . . please feel more than free to leave a comment or send me an e-mail at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com  Would love to hear some feedback from everyone!!

Until then – Be Well!!

Bill